One day I might have to change the name of this thing if I can, or just start a new one. Maybe not today. Another year winding down, and I have got to say its been a hell of a year. Lots of changes. A lot of uncertainty, and a lot of resolution to some things. Those who are close to me know a lot of the issues that precipitated my move here. The turmoil sparked by forgotten memories. Slowly, I've begun to let go of somethings and some relationships that were decidedly unhealthy.
I am still in contact with John, which sometimes breaks my heart, but most of the time just angers and/or aggrivates me. Sometimes, despite all the anger, resentment and disgust I wonder if I can fix him/ help him. He's got potential... somewhere. However for the most part I know its a lost cause.
Its odd to me, the boy that I started writing this journal about and I haven't spoken in ages now. He crosses my mind from time to time, but fewer and far between. I know that this is for the best. While he claimed to want the best for me, his true joy came from the misery I continued to have. Not due to his presence in my life, but still thriving on it, and my life seems improved now.
I still talk to "Doc" online, and we've talked about talking more. And then we fall away again. Is there/was there something not realized there? Distance is a bitch. I know this from all aspects in my life. In his case the nickname stuck because he liked it :)
Bryan and I still talk from time to time as well, online, not on the phone, since we've both moved, changed phone numbers etc. etc. and we're both in different places now than we were. I miss the friendship we have. Caught the show Bones for the first time today. Its no Angel, but I did think of all those nights spent in silence except for commercials.
And of course the one, who has helped me through this year of change, of growth, in more ways than I could begin to discuss here. There is so much I want to say, and I don't have the exact words. Of course the day is more important than just the new beginning because it is his birthday. I would have been so far behind, so lost if not for his calm, strength, generosity, and guidance. Most importantly the love he's given me. I will be eternally grateful for all that we share despite its imperfections.
A year with my first new apartment, purely my own, no room mates, no boyfriends, no parents. My own decorating.
A now not so new job, non retail for the first time in several years.
The car still diagnosed in good health by the fine people at firestone, and if they can diagnose indy cars they can diagnose mine though when I first brought it in they accused me of drag racing with it. Who Me? NAHHH!
Thats my benign boring life in review. The best to anyone who stops by this space in the coming year!
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