Its probably just as well that its storming outside. It matches how I am feeling inside I think. I am restless and should be sleeping but can't. Too many things on my mind. Work and what little bit of a real life I think I thought I almost had. I feel like I can't say too much here because someone's always got something to say when I blog online... frankly when I do too much of anything online. It gets frustrating... like a lot of other things.
I hate when I think I have been heartfelt and honest with someone, and I don't get a response back... Even if its something like I know I've probably gone overboard with, but I apologize. Acknowledge me dammit. Don't treat me like second class, then hide somewhere else.
On the other hand that may be the karma that I've put out into the world because while I"m worried about doing/saying too much on one hand I get frustrated on the other with the other situation. If these statements don't make sense to you its ok, they make sense to me. The other situation isn't going to change, and I don't know for all my bitching and complaining if I would want it too, but there are times where it gets to be too much.
I wish I could say that out loud without hurting feelings and that may be whats happened the other way around too, but then don't say that cutting and running is the cowards way out then completely blow me off/hide. Of course I'm probably blowing that waaaaay out of proportion.
I think I am just lonely and am a little bit (more than a little bit) trapped in my own little corner here. I can't get out because I don't let myself out, but every time I think theres light at the end of the tunnel it winds up feeling like I'm running into an oncoming train! I think I trust to easily and too much, and talk too much. On the other side of that, I do occasionally shut up, particularly if I am told to for a little while. Sometimes I know I need to be told to... and I know that I would like that respected because I know what it feels like to not have space even when there's thousands of miles in between.
Maybe theres more chickenshitness going on here than what's admitted to. Maybe I shouldn't be consistently always being thinking its something I did wrong especially since I issues are all around. Maybe I'm just over tired and rambling.
Not to mention the eating is just psycho outof control again :( Of course this random restlessness is probably coming from a few things... not being able to use the exercise bike (it hasn't been right since my sister touched it) and since my eating has been all screwy I dug out some diet pill (I forget which) that I had here and took that a bit, but I slept fine with it yesterday and I took it lots more yesterday :-\. More on my mind since then maybe?
A co worker was having some pretty serious med tests done which has me a bit concerned too. I wish I knew how she was doing, and she's already gone home for the day I am sure. I should see her in the AM. She won't have results but at least I'll be able to see how she's doing. She's a transplant from Ohio, and we get along great. I think its a northern girl thing.
Oh have I mentioned lately that I hate it here and if I could afford to move back to NY I would... even though I would hate it there too I'm sure. I am still feeling very much like a woman without a country as it were. I don't know that I will ever belong anywhere. I much prefer the thought of belonging TO, but that's a whole nother blog for another day... and probably another venue! I had a great conversation with someone about all that this weekend though under my alternate sn.
contemplative 
