Hi

I haven't posted anything here in a damn long time, and I considered letting it die when AOL closed their blog site, but since I could port everything over. I no longer work at the job I got hired at, but still work for Holley. A much better job if you ask me. I will write more later, but I just thought I'd throw something in here that was less than a year + old.

Slightly More Gainful

Well I finally got hired somewhere.  YAY!  I am working for Mosaic merchandising.  I have picked up two jobs from them.  Well one, and possibly another one.  Talked to my favorite non stalking victim yesterday.  Things are aok :)

Is it all falling apart

I've tried to keep a very positive attitude about the whole getting fired thing, and I've had great people behind me, but now at every turn I feel frustrated and its taking its toll on so many things, my eating, by sleeping, my stress levels.  I had an interview with Cingular, that didn't go well, clearly.  I had an interview with Target and was offered a job almost immediately, which was great, except it was for $7.25 an hour.  Riiiiight.  I guess that should make me feel good that I was offered the job almost immediately, but I just am not looking at it that way right now.

And then theres the Doc issue.  I know he's busy.  He's been sweet about keeping in touch here and there since he left.  No better or no worse than he was before, which I guess is heartening.  Hypothetically that means things haven't gotten worse for him.  I know he's hella busy these days.  I just could use someone to lean on.  By god that bed is empty feeling lately...

Don't know what the hell to call this

The reality of my life is wearing on me a little.  I had a great couple of days and of course lost my heart a little bit more in the process.  I also came close to losing someone who's been very good to me over the years.  I am not really sure what to do with any of this other than I guess I need to verbalize what an idiot that I feel like about so many things, about how empty I feel again... please tell me I'm not completely stupid... and alone... again.

Lost

Loser!

Boys and girls, children of all ages, I am officially jobless as far as Baptist Memorial Hopsital, Collierville is concerned.  I of course got fired on Friday afternoon of last week.  I am really broken up about it too.  I am still mulling over what I am going to say in the email in my head.  I figure I am going to write a lovely email to my boss about what working for her was really like... not that I think she'll understand.  However maybe copying it to a few key people in the organization will help them understand what has been going on.  Initially I wanted to copy it to the people in my department too, but then I realized that I don't care what they think.  Apparently since so many of my issues at work were due to what they were saying to the "bosses".  The advantage of being there when the boss is there I guess as opposed to being literally in the dark all the time.

On a positive front, I did my first full day of work for that Doctor yesterday.  I figure that I will start looking for a job on Monday.  Got a week of vacation basically.  That works for me.

Its raining brine shrimp!

I am an idiot

Wow so much going on at one time!  One I'm an idiot so I apologize to anyone who's actually read my tragic downbeat entries lately, and to the person they may... or may not have been aimed  at ;).

I have another "interview" with a doc at work about becoming his PA.  Wish me luck.  How awesome would that be?  I've been in a really good positive mood since our conversation yesterday so hopefully that will keep up.  YAY!

Omission

Main Entry: omission
Function: noun
Text: something left out <the disk contains a selection of deleted scenes, and a couple of the omissions greatly add to the intelligibility of the movie's plot>
Synonyms deletion
Related words elimination; blank, skip; lapse, slip; deduction, reduction, subtraction
Near Antonyms inclusion; accretion, accrual, addendum, addition, augmentation, boost, gain, increase, increment, raise, rise, supplement

Main Entry: omis·sion
Function: noun
Pronunciation: O-'mi-sh&n, &-
Etymology: Middle English omissioun, from Late Latin omission-, omissio, from Latin omittere
1 a : something neglected or left undone b : apathy toward or neglect of duty
2 : the act of omitting : the state of being omitted

______

Ok so omission isn't technically a lie by Miriam Webster in either the dictionary or the thesaurus.  So why is it when people omit the truth, or give you half truth it hurts so damn much?

I have tried to be honest.  Too honest.  Honest to a point that I clearly run people off.  There's only so much "I've just been really busy" that you can take.  I know I have done the same thing, when I had stress in my life, but then don't tell me that YOU're better than that.  You're better than the other people I've had before and you wouldn't do anything like that.

I gave a fair explanation... it was just two years late.  Am I waiting two years for yours?

 

More lyrics

Rumour has it that your daddys coming down
Hes gonna pay the rent
Tell me baby, is this as good as life is gonna get
It feels like theres a stranger standing in these shoes
But, I know I cant lose me, cause then Id be losing you

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I aint too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times weve been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me youll be brave
cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away

If you dont love me - lie to me
cause baby youre the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if thats whats meant to be
Right now if you dont love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee
Babe I got something to say to you
I aint got the winning ticket
Not the one thats gonna pull us through
No one said that itd be easy
Let your old man take you home
But know that if you walk out on me that darling
Id be gone

If you dont love me - lie to me
cause baby youre the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if thats whats meant to be
Right now if you cant love me baby - lie to me
Baby, I can take it

Its a bitch, but lifes a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
Its hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so lets hold on

If you dont love me - lie to me
cause baby youre the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us
If thats whats meant to be
Right now if you cant love me baby - lie to me
Lie to me
Baby, I can take it
Cmon lie to me

 

(They don't all fit, but the emotion behind it is similar)

Can't Sleep

Its probably just as well that its storming outside.  It matches how I am feeling inside I think.  I am restless and should be sleeping but can't.  Too many things on my mind.  Work and what little bit of a real life I think I thought I almost had.  I feel like I can't say too much here because someone's always got something to say when I blog online... frankly when I do too much of anything online.  It gets frustrating... like a lot of other things.

I hate when I think I have been heartfelt and honest with someone, and I don't get a response back...  Even if its something like I know I've probably gone overboard with, but I apologize.  Acknowledge me dammit.  Don't treat me like second class, then hide somewhere else.

On the other hand that may be the karma that I've put out into the world because while I"m worried about doing/saying too much on one hand I get frustrated on the other with the other situation.  If these statements don't make sense to you its ok, they make sense to me.  The other situation isn't going to change, and I don't know for all my bitching and complaining if I would want it too, but there are times where it gets to be too much.

I wish I could say that out loud without hurting feelings and that may be whats happened the other way around too, but then don't say that cutting and running is the cowards way out then completely blow me off/hide.  Of course I'm probably blowing that waaaaay out of proportion.

I think I am just lonely and am a little bit (more than a little bit) trapped in my own little corner here.  I can't get out because I don't let myself out, but every time I think theres light at the end of the tunnel it winds up feeling like I'm running into an oncoming train!  I think I trust to easily and too much, and talk too much.  On the other side of that, I do occasionally shut up, particularly if I am told to for a little while.  Sometimes I know I need to be told to... and I know that I would like that respected because I know what it feels like to not have space even when there's thousands of miles in between.

Maybe theres more chickenshitness going on here than what's admitted to.  Maybe I shouldn't be consistently always being thinking its something I did wrong especially since I issues are all around.  Maybe I'm just over tired and rambling.

Not to mention the eating is just psycho outof control again :(  Of course this random restlessness is probably coming from a few things... not being able to use the exercise bike (it hasn't been right since my sister touched it) and since my eating has been all screwy I dug out some diet pill (I forget which) that I had here and took that a bit, but I slept fine with it yesterday and I took it lots more yesterday :-\.  More on my mind since then maybe?

A co worker was having some pretty serious med tests done which has me a bit concerned too.  I wish I knew how she was doing, and she's already gone home for the day I am sure.  I should see her in the AM.  She won't have results but at least I'll be able to see how she's doing.  She's a transplant from Ohio, and we get along great.  I think its a northern girl thing.

Oh have I mentioned lately that I hate it here and if I could afford to move back to NY I would... even though I would hate it there too I'm sure.  I am still feeling very much like a woman without a country as it were.  I don't know that I will ever belong anywhere.  I much prefer the thought of belonging TO, but that's a whole nother blog for another day... and probably another venue!  I had a great conversation with someone about all that this weekend though under my alternate sn.

Another song for the emotion of the moment.

Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.
Some are satin, some are steel,
Some are silk and some are leather.
They're the faces of a stranger,
But we'd love to try them on.

Well, we all fall in love,
But we disregard the danger,
Though we share so many secrets,
There are some we never tell.
Why were you so surprised that you never saw the stranger?
Did you ever let your lover see the stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again.
Everyone goes south every now and then.
You've done it.
Why can't someone else?
You should know by now.
You've been there yourself.

Once I used to believe I was such a great romancer.
Then I came home to a man that I could not recognize.
When I pressed him for a reason,
He refused to even answer.
It was then I felt the stranger kick me right between the eyes.

Well, we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised that you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see the stranger in yourself.

Don't be afraid to try again.
Everyone goes south every now and then.
You've done it.
Why can't someone else?
You should know by now.
You've been there yourself.

You may never understand how the stranger is inspired.
But she isn't always evil and he is not always wrong.
Though you drown in good intensions,
You will never quench the fire.
You'll give in to your desire when the stranger comes along.

 

(I will have to add more to this another time, we'll just say it rather suits how I feel right now)

Suits the mood of the moment

"Hate Me"

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

advice received

Haven't posted anythng new here in a little while, been posting elsewhere.  Thought I'd share this just because I thought maybe someone could benefit from with wisdom imparted by my friend Dan...

 

 

Advice received
Current mood: contemplative

I received advice from a friend lately regarding my own personal crisis lately.  I hate to say crisis really.  I am nowhere near the "crisis state" I have been in in the past.  I am grateful for that.  I have always been somewhat lost, and I am feeling that again.

"To find yourself look outside of yourself.  But don't absorb yourself with others.  Therein lies true balance.  Once you find your rhythm and elemnt you will realize your true self... without ever having realized that it was there all along...

Be patient with yourself, and it is never too late."

In theory that sounds great.  I just wish I knew how to do it.  Patience has never been a real strong suit of mine.  Of course being balanced has never been a real strong suit of mine.  Right now I am going to ponder this just a little further, but it is useful advice for anyone who's feeling a bit lost like me...

Currently listening : Savin' Me By Nickelback Release date: By 25 April, 2006

Another one off the list

Online right now, in a crappy mood.  Darren got married today.  I shouldn't feel as bad about that as I do, and I don't think its the affection that I once had for him.  I think it was more that he was one of the last few single people I knew here, and he did all the same crap I did.  He dated and lived with people he met online.  He made mistakes.  I guess he was able to fix all that.  I haven't been.

Sometimes I think I am just destined to be alone.  And I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror.

Over my head

I still hate the moods they list in this damn thing.  I have been advised that more than a month without an entry is too long.  Maybe the person who advised me as such is right, but sometimes I just can't really say everything I want to say here.  Sometimes I just can't say everything I want to say at all.  The words get stuck because I am so worried that I am going to say the wrong thing or hurt someone.

I am losing what little of myself I knew.  I feel sick almost all the time now.  When I first moved here I almost never had headaches after all the stress and the constantly being sick at home in NY.  It was a whole new chance to start over, and yet, I just couldn't do it without bringing the drama with me to some extent.  Either that or it just likes to follow me.  That God... he's got a funny sense of humor one way or the other.

There are days where I just want to sleep forever to get out of the situation I'm in.  I am slowly talking to Doc again, and I would like to get to know him, but he doesn't get it.  He says he's not all about the story, but at the same time thats what it comes down to all the time.  That fucking story.  I almost wish sometimes we never started it.  Don't get me wrong, I loved it.  It was amazing and erotic and wonderful, but... I just... I have spent so much of my life living in a fantasy I don't want that to be the only connection to someone.  (I'm sorry I haven't had the balls to express this to your face, when / if you read this)

And my Sam... he says he loves me and I believe him, and god help I love him too, but I don't know if I love him the right way... and I am losing myself and who I am more and more every day.  Today was the first day that other than the first call early in the morning that I have blown off his calls.  And it was nice not to be fit in in the little trips throughout his day.

I have done the one thing I never wanted to do.  I compromised one of my biggest moral issues.  I touched on it when I got together with John since he was still technically married (she was out of the house, and they were separated) but this... this one changes who I am and how I view myself and I don't like it.  I have stopped being viable creatively.  I feel God may have stripped of me of my one gift for this.  I stopped going to church because well one... I don't like the pastor, but two because of how awful I feel going there because I know how awful I am.  I joke at work all the time that I am going to hell, but I know that I will.

Christy is a trip she keeps asking me to go to her house and stuff, and me and my aborted social skills... I keep feeling like the geek in school that gets asked by the popular kids.  Part of me feels like why would she want to be friends with me... and its funny because sometimes I think they expect that because I'm from NY that I should be more elite, more sophisticated as I was told once there... but god help I am from a middle class family and have no education.  Christy has an education, a loving husband who would do anything for her... according to her she has a great sex life... omg a real sex life something I haven't had since I left NY....

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

Two out of three still aint bad

I just woke up, went to sleep around 11, took the sleeping pills (just otc ones cause I don't have real ones... that might be abit dangerous for me) and slept through til well about 6.  Now I am doing the one thing I didn't do yesterday.  I'm already on the computer.  I need to get myself motivated to either clean or get out to the "gym" and I can't.  I am not motivated to do anything but maybe have another one of my "Brian Wilson" Days.  Thats what it makes me think of when I have days like that where I can't get out of bed.  Like the BareNaked Ladies song Brian Wilson, but then again I don't want to be like that and I don't write music :-\ .  Maybe not so much.  In any case I'll write more later.

I love you I need you I just can't be with you....

Funny how that statement is always so prevalent in my life.  How about you only hurt the ones you love... so wouldn't the years I spent abusing myself prove that I just love myself...

And apparently there is a world of people who LOVE me too...

I only wonder

I only wonder what I've done wrong now.  I can't help feeling like this sometimes, and I know it may be more his situation, but mine, but I was rude and snappish before I went to sleep, and I don't know that that was necessarily good.

On the upside two online friends I hadn't seen in a while came back this week, so thats one nice thing.

Wish me luck, I think I might actually step on a scale at work, provided its not like last night and I actually get a free minute.

::sigh:: time to finish getting dressed.  I hope he comes on, but lord help how do I fix things if he doesn't?

A wonderful start

Just the start I wanted to the new year, disappointing the one person I never wanted to hurt by speaking the truth in my journal.  Even when it is favorable to him, it isn't enough because I try to speak plainly and honestly.  Leave it to me I guess.  It will more than likely be some time before my next entry despite his promise that he will not read it because it is not geared for him to read, it is geared for everyone or no one to read.  Might I note that never, given our situation has he specifically made mention of me, but I do not gripe and moan.  And for him to turn around and say some of the very few things he said on the topic bothers me greatly.

Perhaps the cabin and the manifesto are not so far away after all...

Another year down...

One day I might have to change the name of this thing if I can, or just start a new one.  Maybe not today.  Another year winding down, and I have got to say its been a hell of a year.  Lots of changes.  A lot of uncertainty, and a lot of resolution to some things.  Those who are close to me know a lot of the issues that precipitated my move here.  The turmoil sparked by forgotten memories.  Slowly, I've begun to let go of somethings and some relationships that were decidedly unhealthy. 

I am still in contact with John, which sometimes breaks my heart, but most of the time just angers and/or aggrivates me.  Sometimes, despite all the anger, resentment and disgust I wonder if I can fix him/ help him.  He's got potential... somewhere.  However for the most part I know its a lost cause.

Its odd to me, the boy that I started writing this journal about and I haven't spoken in ages now.  He crosses my mind from time to time, but fewer and far between.  I know that this is for the best.  While he claimed to want the best for me, his true joy came from the misery I continued to have.  Not due to his presence in my life, but still thriving on it, and my life seems improved now.

I still talk to "Doc" online, and we've talked about talking more.  And then we fall away again.  Is there/was there something not realized there?  Distance is a bitch.  I know this from all aspects in my life.  In his case the nickname stuck because he liked it :) 

Bryan and I still talk from time to time as well, online, not on the phone, since we've both moved, changed phone numbers etc. etc.  and we're both in different places now than we were.  I miss the friendship we have.  Caught the show Bones for the first time today.  Its no Angel, but I did think of all those nights spent in silence except for commercials.

And of course the one, who has helped me through this year of change, of growth, in more ways than I could begin to discuss here.  There is so much I want to say, and I don't have the exact words.  Of course the day is more important than just the new beginning because it is his birthday.  I would have been so far behind, so lost if not for his calm, strength, generosity, and guidance.  Most importantly the love he's given me.  I will be eternally grateful for all that we share despite its imperfections.

A year with my first new apartment, purely my own, no room mates, no boyfriends, no parents.  My own decorating.

A now not so new job, non retail for the first time in several years.

The car still diagnosed in good health by the fine people at firestone, and if they can diagnose indy cars they can diagnose mine though when I first brought it in they accused me of drag racing with it.  Who Me? NAHHH!

Thats my benign boring life in review.  The best to anyone who stops by this space in the coming year!