Amazed

Holy perspective realignment!  A month ago, a week ago... when did I start this thing?  I wouldn't have thought that this would happen to me.   That I would feel this way, and I know that despite the beautiful words that come with it that it won't be this way forever... situations are what they are, reality has a way of being a cruel mistress, but... ::stopping, thinking, making a face at my choice of words, and moving on::  But I won't give this up, I can't.  When I have no words he's known them... He's read me, my words and my heart in ways no one has.  For this I will be grateful.  For every moment that he calls me his...

And I am scared to death... of how fast, and how strong this all is... Of what reality might bring... Of what it means that I am deep inside.

There will be more...

A Damn fine day

Today has been an incredible wonderful amazing day for me, spent in the company of someone incredibly special... Someone who makes me feel like noone else before them has.  He makes me feel valued and special  and so far beyond incredible.  He understands my heart before I even try to put it in words.  A truly sweet man, a true gentleman, I look forward to talking to him, sharing with him for a long time to come.  In the darkest of hours I was given light, not in the way I expected it, but his light is great, and I shall treasure it for as long as it shines on me.

Just a good day....

I got to talk to one of my new friends today.  That was essentially how my day at home started today, which was wonderful.  Hearing his voice is just like being cradled in a warm embrace... Something I have not felt in far too long!  Unfortunately, this would be the gentleman that I am a bit smitten with that lives almost 1000 miles away.  And he truly seems so the role of the roguish gentleman... He suits my tastes so well, every word he utters is just what I have wanted in my life for so long, and it is not prompted by what I have said, but his true heart.  But we are still into the first week, it is still not fair to say he is all I want...  But so far she SOUNDS like all I have wanted... leaving me wondering... why have our paths not crossed until now?  And if nothing else as he said, despite the distance we will continue tobe friends.

And so is every email from my other new friend.  He has a way with words that touches my heart like no one else has.  Each new note is poignant and special, and builds me up so sweetly.  I am so grateful for these new influences in my life.

My only frustration is that I am trying to find some pages that I had built and I can't... Which I will return to the search now, I just needed to pass these positive words along.

 

More Aggrivation

Ok, I'm trying my damndest to have a good day... I slept in, which I have some slight amount of guilt over, since I should have been at church... But I'll get over it.  Been talking to some really positive people lately.  Thats a good thing.  Trying to create distance between me and the person that most of my entries have been about.  And therein lies the problem.  I never know when he is on because he has me blocked, so its always a surprise.  Which is a pain in the ass within itself.  Then when I treat him like a friend he blows a shitfit.

I am not supposed to feel for him, which I am ok with that.. But when I try to establish a friendship thats not good enough.  I guess I am still supposed to be falling in worship ::gag::  So then he starts being hateful, and mean, and blaming everything on me, bringing up the past, albeit some of it is recent past, but still... And I am stuck with him being all about me and whatever until I go out and get a life.  Well shit... I don't want to go out. I want to go on with my life, but I will do it in my own time.  He's a fine one to talk.   He doesn't exactly have a full and rich life either.   In any case, I play along, let him think what he wants and slowly I will continue to make my distance.  Life is full of changes.  He needs to adjust to that too.  I am not going to be his friggen lapdog.

There are some people that are worth waiting for, or working with.  Some people that aren't, but I will continue to let things ride, to let things go the way he thinks they should... for now.

How far to Florida

::very happy content sigh:: I wonder if this happiness, this peacefulness is going to last.  My second night talking to my new friend, and it was as intense and incredible as the first, and I know that he is expecting that I am just going to go to sleep, but I had to share... it was just one of those things.  I am so the smitten kitten right now... I hope it lasts.  He is really sweet and nice and easy to talk to and just... ::shivers:: well he has a wicked side that... I won't write about here.

And I spoke to another one of my new friends today and he was just wonderful to talk to.  I have some really great people in my online life at the moment.  I am feeling a bit blessed.  Of course I will eventually have to venture into the outside world, but for now...

And I spoke to the other one the one that I caused myself so much grief over, and I was so over it lol. How funny that it could be so done.  He did so much to help that and I am truly grateful, besides last thing I need is more stress, and if he causes it I will really have to find a way to block him f rom my life.  Things are good right now. I want to enjoy them.

More Later

New Beginnings?

I am in a damn fine mood today. Isn't that nice to hear for a change.  I have  a damn fine cup of coffee (Holy Twin Peaks reference Batman!)  and have come to some stunning realizations in my life.  Of course there is more to it than that. 

As big of an asshole as he is the guy I've been fixated on is safe for me.  I kind of know my way around him, it frustrating, and its work, but its still easier than getting to know a stranger.  There is a comfort in knowing that I will never really know him, that I will never really have that kind of relationship with him.  I do not have the best track record with relationships.  This week he and I went through a crapload of drama... he gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" speech and I realized that... I've been giving him the lipservice, telling him that I loved him, but thats what it was... its like with John when I am tempted to call him again.  I love those 5 minutes a day when everything is quiet and good and happy and I feel loved.  Well the rest of the shit is just not worth it!  Then when I am ok with it he starts right up with "which is not to say things couldn't change" But they won't.  He missed his window of opportunity.  I have too much going on to waste it on someone who is going to be like the people I've been with in the past.

Now that being said, and I think this has a lot to do with it.  I've gotten some heavy attention this week due to this journal and how open I am about myself.  Which works for me, because other than the occasional rp I am not comfortable with not being myself, and maybe by being open I can assure that I will meet people who will feel they can be open with me.  So far it seems that I have.  That has been an enormous ego boost.  I am not going to go into names... protecting the innocent (or the guilty).

I am not looking for a new relationship, however, I did talk to someone last night, at length who I thoroughly enjoyed.  It was so wonderful to talk to someone who could be as serious and as silly as I am who was smart and funny and did have a certain sense of propriety.. things he should and shouldn't say, ways to act.  Refreshing to meet someone with manners!  And you got to love anyone you go from being intense and serious with to quoting Monty Python. :)  Mind you, I did call him last night, but I am determined if this is to continue I am not going to be the only one calling.  I am not going to pursue this without being pursued in return dangit.  I am not looking for anything lasting at the moment... its just a sweet relief from everything that I've put myself through, and I make no mistake about that.  I know I've done all the rest of the stuff to myself.

Last night was interesting too, I saw my cousin's husband's brother, who I had gone out on a date probably about 9 years ago, the last time I lived down here.  He's engaged now, I met his fiancee.  I don't know that either one of them wants toget married.  She is just so unmoved by it.  Didn't even show any affection to him until she saw me and him make long eye contact a couple of times.  Of course it wasn't long after that either that she made him go home.  Not that I would go there, he's engaged.  I would not violate that!

Alright... I think I'm done for now.  I'll be back, I'm sure.

Odd Odder Oddest

Well, I keep saying that I need to stay away from him, i need to find some other way to occupy my time... that he's no good for me, and where am I?  Home, alone on Saturday night on the phone well i was on the phone til he hung up on me thinking I was typing in the room.  Oh well.  Better this way.  I am so tired of hearing about the girl he loves so much that is using the hell out of him.  Anyone with half an eye on the situation would see that.  If he calls back I am so not answering it.  Let the friggen phone ring all night if it has to.

He might call back if he feels that I think he's important enough... thats too funny to me.  I have let him be far too important in my life as it is.  I just wish I could be as strong about this as I was with John.  I don't know why he gets under my skin so damn much.

I need to move on... I just can't quite bring myself to... to deny him... to make him go away...  I could keep him gone if I wanted to I think.  If it came down to it and I really told him all the crap that goes on in my head with him, but I don't know that I want to right now.  Mind you if I found someone to be with real time that would be different.  As it stands now... hell I don't know.  Probably the only reason I am so deadset on him is I think that I might be able to make some kind of impression, of difference, maybe even a positive one on his life.  That maybe we could both work through some of our trust problems...  But I don't know that I would ever really trust him.  Hell half the time I don't think I'll ever fully trust anyone.  I am still trying to figure out if maybe thats better.  He sent me the song I am listening to... its so me its eerie... had me in tears when I heard it, and read the lyrics to it.

Talking to the "married chick" and looking stuff for my Aunt... he came on briefly, probably to see if I was still on... I have a feeling this is going to be a long night, but I am going to cut the online part of it short soon.  I will write more soon... just not in the mood right now.