I need that cabin.

I need my cabin... I need it now.  I want to hide away from the world, bury myself in the earth, just be away... and the hell of it is I know that I do it to myself.  Irony in its highest.  I put myself in these strange situations, and then bitch about them.

"Sam" and I share this beautiful intensity... and I want to believe all the things that he says to me.  God I want to believe them, but I will not let myself, I know as soon as I let my guard down there... And I do truly want him in my life, but I can't keep going through this disaster everytime I get to spend time with him.  Its beautiful and intense and he makes me feel special, and then when its time to go... it just crashes down.  It aches, it hurts, but that at least I'm used to.

John and I ... well I spoke to him today and thats just an experiment in uselessness.  He aggrivates me, and I know that theres no love there anymore, I often wonder if there ever was, but its something I know.  And I do believe he could be a better person than he acts, but its so frustrating to know that he doesn't want to be.  He thinks there is nothing wrong with him.  He says all the things he thinks he has to to me, that he's trying to be better and trying to be the man I need him to be, but we both know better.

Then there is the one that I started this journal with...  the boy... and wouldn't he hate me if he knew thats what I was referring to him as... but he is.  I don't believe anything he says either, and I hate the way he makes me feel.  I was so much better before I started talking to him again.  In a way I'm sorry I came back to AOL.  If I hadn't come back, I wouldn't have spoken to him again.  I wouldn't be involved with his life again.  I don't need his drama i create enough of my own in my life.  And I let him hurt me again and again.  His air of superiority though kills me.  He has fucked his own life beyond reason... if he is to be believed... and god knows thats a phrase that comes up a lot.  He is as bad or worse than I am for going out and being somewhat social, and yet preaches to me.  I can't stand that.

I need to get back in touch withB.  I miss him.  He was my sanity in the face of the madness more often than he knew.  He could help me sort all this out, without making me feel anything else lol.  We have talked about the lines we could cross, but we never do... we toe them from time to time.  That never works out well, I think because thats the one relationship that I have where the lines have always been clear.  And like most of the men in my life though, he does have his moments of smug superiority.  But all in all he is one of the few truly nurturing presences in my life.

Then there's Doc... god a few more names and I will have my own equivalent of the seven damn dwarves.  Talking to him affects me differently than Sam... Sam makes me feel loved for who I am and what I have accomplished now, even if it isn't very much.  There is something in Doc that makes me want more... makes me long to be better, to be more educated (Something about being an educator himself maybe) just to be stronger, more adventurous... just MORE.  I am incredibly envious of the travels he's been on and the things he knows.  Knowledge has always been a comfort to me... and yet I have fallen away from that as well.  I don't read the way I used to... and I know realistically I will never be able to get back to school... at least not now, not for a long time.  I will be stuck in nothingness forever.

I am considering finding a doctor and going back on medication, but the thing is, while I feel this pain, I don't feel it the way I used to.  I am can't describe it... its kind of like when a part of you falls asleep and you can poke it with a pin. You feel it but you dont' feel it.  Thats what everything feels like lately.

I have an opportunity to go out in the world today... One I have ignored so far.  A chance to meet someone new and local at the mall, I don't think I am going to go though.  I am experiencing some heavy anxiety at the thought.  I could so use a pill... or two lol.  God I sound like such a druggie, and I'm really not.

I'm jsut tired.  It feels like no amount of sleep with cover it.  I have been weak and shaking for days, and I don't reallly know why.  I should go to a doctorand see if there is a real reason, but I won't.  I don't.  part of me doesn't care.

I will write more later, keep you updated on the anxiety and whether I go out or not for real...