Why

::sighs:: I really wish they had conflicted as a mood.  It seems to be the most descriptive at least of my moods.  Its funny I'm listening to Pippin which Sam sent me, which makes me wish I had all my old cd's.  My Phantom and LesMis and Miss Saigon, and Evita ::sighing::

Ok Conflicted... and Sam... amazing how the two go together.  I know I shouldn't be involved with him.  Its painful, and often lonely, and yet so wonderful and amazing.  I can see a life with him.... aside from the whole being married thing.  And god that hurts so much.  Having to jump off the phone, or cut ourselves short... Knowing we will never see each other... well the odds of it are slim to none.  Knowing how badly I want to and knowing of course that continuing a relationship with him is wrong.  Coveting and whatnot.... There are times when I feel like the only person in his life, and then there are times when I am just too acutely aware of the reality of the situation.  Even if it wasn't for her, there would be the issue of his Dad, and if not that I know there would manage to be something else, or at least thats what it seems.  I can't begin to request he change his life for me, though part of me wants to.  Part of me doesn't understand that if I have changed his life in the ways he keeps telling me how no one is seeing a change in him.  And there is part of me that still doubts his words.  I can't help it.  He says he understands, but... I don't know.

And there is Doc... if I could combine the two, well hell I would have the perfect man lol.  I like him, Doc that is.  We get along well.  He's had a life I am envious of... and he can back up a lot of his stories which is nice.  I mean his incredible ones.  The ones that would lead me to doubt.  He's mature, and responsible, and I know I have mentioned the man can tell a story.  He is kind of amazed at how well he and I get along, which I don't know how to take that.  Which I am pretty sure he's gunshy like me of a serious commitment, and at the same time, he's in his late 30's and I think we both might be feeling it a little. ::shrugs:: I could be imagining things.  And there is the issue of me not leaving TN, and he's not leaving a great job in Fl.  Although he has talked about visiting, and play has gone beyond characters into us.  Which was strange, but not unenjoyable.

And I carry guilt when I play with Doc because of Sam.  And yet even he says I shouldn't although I know it hurts him to think that I do.  I have altered my life for Sam, in some ways... the way I sleep, etc.  And I think while he says he wishes I wouldn't that knowing that is kind of an ego thing for him.

I'm afraid sometimes despite his loving words and his support thats all this will turn out to be, something to tide him over and to boost his ego til whatever is wrong with him and his wife is fixed, because I mean I don't condone divorce, but I don't understand being unhappy I mean as unhappy as he seems sometimes and staying.  I understand staying in something comfortable, because thats what kept me withJohn and Chris as long as I had stayed with them, but.... theres also something different in it being female and pursuing happiness vs being a man and pursuing your happiness.  ::shrugs:: Maybe my perceptions are a bit warped, and I have become a bit used to being used.

I think I'll wrap for now.  Maybe run out to the car and get my cd's send Sam some of my music lol