Some days I wonder if getting out of bed is worth it. I have made the journal public again, after briefly keeping it private. I have found both exquisite happiness and sadness in one person. Its interesting after what I went through a month ago, roughly, with the other person that I started this journal talking about. Interesting after the changes my life has made in the past couple of weeks, and interesting considering the changes my life continues to make, and not make, as it seems changing and stagnant at one time. I know that only I can really control that. That my aversion to people is something that I can do something about.. if I choose to, and if I choose to medicate again.
That is something I am toying with. Finding a doctor, just for the xanax, just for the times where the anxiety is too much to deal with. I don't know... Sometimes I think not having them is better, less temptation to medicate when I don't really need it.
I am talking to John again. I don't know why, but I am... well I do know why, because I love the person I WANT him to be. And for a little while I can fool myself into thinking he is turning into that person, but I know better. However he has made a small effort to pay back some of the money... ok $50 so far... but its a start.
"Doc" and I have talked a bit now that the school year is over for him, and his vacation has begun. He tells a wonderful story. He suits a number of my needs, giving me vampires when I need vampires, and mutants when I need them. Blades and blood and fangs. He talks about meeting, but I don't know if that would happen, although the thought is there. It would be in the future... long into the future, and theres no telling what that would hold.
And then there is Sam... ::sighing:: My Sam who isn't really mine at all. Maybe my secret as much as I am his because I know some of my friends would highly disapprove of me and Sam. He is quite a bit older, and of course, as it would be in all great romantic tragedy, married. I love him, and he loves me the best that we can. It started with a simple email, that he recognized what he considers my inner beauty, and expressed a desire to be part of my life. We had both taken it to be friends at first, but its quickly escalated. And I am torn. Highly torn. I know that I should walk away, perhaps keeping him as a friend, and acquaintance, and then I consider how wonderful he makes me feel how warm and loved, and how every word, good and bad takes on a new deep and intimate tone... And I could just keep telling myself that its just online, its just the phone, but theres no denying the depth of it. And I have told him I won't stop my life completely with him, which I guess is why I still talk to Doc, and maybe started talking to John again.
There is more irony in my life, in the 25th year since I have seen my father. I have one love "Sam" that bears his real name and is terribly close to his age. Another "Doc" (which is his job, though not an MD) which is his nickname, which is why she has that lovely jailhouse "D" on her arm.
I will add more later. I am sure.
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