Another year down...

One day I might have to change the name of this thing if I can, or just start a new one.  Maybe not today.  Another year winding down, and I have got to say its been a hell of a year.  Lots of changes.  A lot of uncertainty, and a lot of resolution to some things.  Those who are close to me know a lot of the issues that precipitated my move here.  The turmoil sparked by forgotten memories.  Slowly, I've begun to let go of somethings and some relationships that were decidedly unhealthy. 

I am still in contact with John, which sometimes breaks my heart, but most of the time just angers and/or aggrivates me.  Sometimes, despite all the anger, resentment and disgust I wonder if I can fix him/ help him.  He's got potential... somewhere.  However for the most part I know its a lost cause.

Its odd to me, the boy that I started writing this journal about and I haven't spoken in ages now.  He crosses my mind from time to time, but fewer and far between.  I know that this is for the best.  While he claimed to want the best for me, his true joy came from the misery I continued to have.  Not due to his presence in my life, but still thriving on it, and my life seems improved now.

I still talk to "Doc" online, and we've talked about talking more.  And then we fall away again.  Is there/was there something not realized there?  Distance is a bitch.  I know this from all aspects in my life.  In his case the nickname stuck because he liked it :) 

Bryan and I still talk from time to time as well, online, not on the phone, since we've both moved, changed phone numbers etc. etc.  and we're both in different places now than we were.  I miss the friendship we have.  Caught the show Bones for the first time today.  Its no Angel, but I did think of all those nights spent in silence except for commercials.

And of course the one, who has helped me through this year of change, of growth, in more ways than I could begin to discuss here.  There is so much I want to say, and I don't have the exact words.  Of course the day is more important than just the new beginning because it is his birthday.  I would have been so far behind, so lost if not for his calm, strength, generosity, and guidance.  Most importantly the love he's given me.  I will be eternally grateful for all that we share despite its imperfections.

A year with my first new apartment, purely my own, no room mates, no boyfriends, no parents.  My own decorating.

A now not so new job, non retail for the first time in several years.

The car still diagnosed in good health by the fine people at firestone, and if they can diagnose indy cars they can diagnose mine though when I first brought it in they accused me of drag racing with it.  Who Me? NAHHH!

Thats my benign boring life in review.  The best to anyone who stops by this space in the coming year!

The Ghosts of Christmas

This actually isn't the music I was looking to listen to, but somehow it seems to fit.  Someone special taught me that sometimes its the simplest most quiet of voices that speaks the loudest.  Rather than the huge orchestral arrangements I was looking for originally this is what seems to fit.

We did Christmas this morning at my Aunt's house.  It was nice.  We all did the traditional Christmas.  We ate too much, opened in minutes what took someone hours (in two cases, my aunts gifts and my own) to wrap.  The kids were thrilled to death with the haul.  I opened the gifts from my mother, which were far too many due to the other kindnesses that she gave me this season.

I got my pajamas, and slipper socks.  In my family you get pajamas for Christmas its just the way it is.  Now that I am home, and decompressed from the loudness and business from the day, and clad in said pajamas I can kind of sit back and reflect on them.  God knows it must sound so silly to be in tears over something so simple, but in my life there have been so many things that have fallen flat, and fallen away, something this simple that's so constant is a precious joy.

First let me cover this a little, you'll see this is written around 4pm and you're probably thinking pajamas... huh?  But I've worked a lot this week, and overnight and haven't slept yet today darnit!  Pajamas are ok.

For as long as I could remember I've gotten pajamas for Christmas.  Christmas eve when I was little we used to go visit Aunt Mary, an elderly relative of ours.  She was actually my like great great aunt or something.  We would spend some time there, and then leave lamenting how she didn't live all that far away, and we should visit more.  Lord, that woman could COOK!  Even in her older years.  She made all the stuff that you pay a oodles for in an Italian restaurant.  (Pasta Fagouil etc.)  We did what last minute stuff we might have, and we'd have a big meal of baked macaroni, and fried flounder.  I was raised Catholic and Christmas Eve was strictly meat less.  And that was the meal, still is I think.  Occasionally someone will throw in some shrimp cocktail but that's about the only difference.

My Aunt who was out of the house came and would eat, when I was little though her presents would wait til Christmas day.  Then we'd load up in the cars and head to my other Aunt's who's house was like an all night buffet on Christmas eve.  Food more than you could imagine.  Lasagna, Eggplant Parmesan and plenty of Italian bread, salad, trays of olives and pickles, deviled eggs, crackers and pepperoni and cheese including the dreaded to me anyway provolone, or sock cheese as my sister coined it in later years regarding its  dirty sock aroma.  Always a bowl of red hard boiled eggs which I would come to know the symbolism of in later years.  That's just the food, we haven't even gotten to the desserts.  Family and neighbors bringing trays of cookies from the bakeries or that they made, or pastries or canolies and pies and cakes.  You could gain 50 lbs looking at the table.  Thats personally what I attribute my whole weight on.  (Not really)

There would be presents to open there and we'd ooh and ahh and late in the evening we'd go home.  Around 10:30 sometimes as late as 11.  Somehow it seems as we got older we started coming home earlier, but that's and age thing I'm sure.  Santa always seemed to want to come earlier as we got older and my sister was at the Santa age. 

We'd go home, set the scene for Santa and then we could pick one present under the tree to open to make more room for the Santa presents.  Mine was always the clothes box, always from my Grandfather (whom we lived with) and it was always pajamas.  You went to bed on Christmas eve in your Christmas pajamas.  When you came down the next morning Santa had always come.

My grandfather was gone three years on the 15th, and somehow when I get the box that I know are the pajamas I still expect the tag to say love pop-pop.  Of course I still expect him to answer the phone at my mom's (Formerly his house) when I call too.  31 now, and still getting the Christmas pajamas, still wearing them on Christmas eve.  When and if I ever have children, they will be allowed to open one present on Christmas eve...

We had this little metal chime that was stars inside of stars that rang.  My aunt anna gave it to us when I was 5 and when you heard it on Christmas eve night it meant Santa had been there and he was leaving.  Of course as I got older and began my obsession with its a wonderful life I also learned that lots of angels got their wings that night.  Its one thing that in my various moves from home I have been missing on my tree was a bell that actually rang.  This year someone who is very dear to me sent me one, and touched me in a whole new way.  Because its a bell from his tree, from his own mother's ornaments.  The "Angel" Bell..

I don't need Santa to ring it for me though because I already have so many gifts and have been so blessed this year.  More than I can ever really explain.  My Aunt that I am close to here now that I have moved to Tenn.  tells me all the time that I need to go out more that I will never meet real friends online, but so many of the people that I have met online have blessed me and have touched my life in so many ways.

And of course there are more malevolent spirits that raise their head at this time of year.  The broken dreams, like misfit toys almost that like to creep in.  The losses, family, friends, that I hate, that I lament.  That I wish I could fix.  Some things can't be fixed, and some things shouldn't be "fixed" because what's fixed for me isn't necessarily fixed for them.

Long story short, Thank you, a huge and loving thank you to all the people in my life that have blessed me this year and in all the years before.  To those who shone light in my path when it was darkest.  To those who help and guide when I am lost.  To those who shut up and listen when I need to rant, and let me know when I need to shut up and listen.  Thank you for touching my life.  Thank you for being in my life.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

A new day

Adjusting to life without Drew, which is strangely quiet and peaceful, and facing something even more odd.  Early on Rob had written a bio for me, and now I am facing a good many demons of my own  and doing the same for him.  Unfortunately I am not nearly as clear thinking and unbiased as he is.  Mine is far more emotional.  However, I am going to make my way through it.  I am thinking of posting it before I'm done, just so my only record of it isn't sent away.  I'm hand writing it out to him.  Its stirring up quite a bit more than I thought it would.  :;sighing:: well heres to another few months without an entry ;)

A return

Talking to Bryan for the first time in a while, which is kind of nice.  I have decided that I am giving up all pretense and dropping my codenames for people, cause I am pretty sure that no one reads this and thats ok by me.  Well Rob says he doesn't read it, but I don't know.  Thing is, I am not sure I feel quiet necessarily, but AOL doesn't have enough options for emotions... and clearly these things were geared for children or younger people... what with chillin' being one of the emotional options.  ::sighing:: lord knows I am no teenager!

I haven't spoken to Drew, the "him" of earlier entries in nearly three weeks, and I find that things are actually quite a bit more peaceful.  It sounds hateful I think, but I can't help it if its the truth.  I hear things now and then about who he's screwing and whatever, and I just don't care anymore.

I haven't spoken to Matt in a while either (aka Doc) which, I kind of miss him, but not as much as I thought I might.  I don't even really miss the vampire story.  I just feel like that is really the only reason he wanted to talk to me and I just ::shrug:: I don't know, I am not a piece of meat dammit ::mock sob::

Rob... Rob... Rob :;sighing:: I love him, we talk several times a day, every morning, every afternoon that he works after work, or after I get out of work on the days that he doesn't work, and then now he calls me every night before bed.  He's so tender and loving and sweet.  The whole situation breaks my heart.  I have been venting in the offline journal at length, about him, and about myself.  He's made names to match mine, and I've got ones to match his.  I love him.  I wish I could give him the strength that Edith gave Sam to be able to leave Fran finally.  I really think she is a Fran.  He may not be willing to admit it, and I feel horrible for keep promoting it.  I mean I shouldn't and its ungodly... not that godliness is chief among things in this relationship, and at the same time it is, because he makes me feel so much more spiritual and feel gods voice more, I want to share my life with god with him, i want to go to church with him, and I can imagine having children with him and :;sighing:: I know I shouldn't talk like this, he is still married, and even he has said since the very very beginning that isn't likely to change.  And I know he needs to take care of his dad and I am not trying to take him away from that, much like he would never try to take me away from caring for my mother if the need arose.  ::sighing::  He is the first person in my life that makes me think, I mean really think that I might be a good mother, of course part of that may be because I'm 30 and am trying hard to try to get my life together.

Rob has tried so hard to help me, and to nurture me in his own loving way.  He is touched by the fact that I think that he would make a good father.  He tries to get me to go to church, and to encourage my spirituality.  He apologizes since he thinks that he is the reason that I don't go to church anymore.  He isn't.  I do this from time to time.  fall away and return.  And this is something I would really like to share with him.  I want to have a life with him.  I am sure I am being selfish and horrible, but I really do feel that he is a Master to me, a loving nurturing Master, something that Scott never was.  And Rob takes the position very seriously, very seriously.  He takes punishing me seriously, more than just physical punishment.  He wants to nurture me, and for me to learn from him.  I love him so much, and I respect him which is so much more important.  ::sighing:: I just want more.  I know its not fair of me to ask.  I am always afraid that this is going to wind up being more of a one sided love than it needs to be.  One sided on my side.  One sided that I am giving up sections of my life again for a man, and for loving someone I have no business loving and will be punished for it.  For now, I think I may have said enough.  I wonder if there will be fallout from this, but I guess I will find out soon enough.

Why

::sighs:: I really wish they had conflicted as a mood.  It seems to be the most descriptive at least of my moods.  Its funny I'm listening to Pippin which Sam sent me, which makes me wish I had all my old cd's.  My Phantom and LesMis and Miss Saigon, and Evita ::sighing::

Ok Conflicted... and Sam... amazing how the two go together.  I know I shouldn't be involved with him.  Its painful, and often lonely, and yet so wonderful and amazing.  I can see a life with him.... aside from the whole being married thing.  And god that hurts so much.  Having to jump off the phone, or cut ourselves short... Knowing we will never see each other... well the odds of it are slim to none.  Knowing how badly I want to and knowing of course that continuing a relationship with him is wrong.  Coveting and whatnot.... There are times when I feel like the only person in his life, and then there are times when I am just too acutely aware of the reality of the situation.  Even if it wasn't for her, there would be the issue of his Dad, and if not that I know there would manage to be something else, or at least thats what it seems.  I can't begin to request he change his life for me, though part of me wants to.  Part of me doesn't understand that if I have changed his life in the ways he keeps telling me how no one is seeing a change in him.  And there is part of me that still doubts his words.  I can't help it.  He says he understands, but... I don't know.

And there is Doc... if I could combine the two, well hell I would have the perfect man lol.  I like him, Doc that is.  We get along well.  He's had a life I am envious of... and he can back up a lot of his stories which is nice.  I mean his incredible ones.  The ones that would lead me to doubt.  He's mature, and responsible, and I know I have mentioned the man can tell a story.  He is kind of amazed at how well he and I get along, which I don't know how to take that.  Which I am pretty sure he's gunshy like me of a serious commitment, and at the same time, he's in his late 30's and I think we both might be feeling it a little. ::shrugs:: I could be imagining things.  And there is the issue of me not leaving TN, and he's not leaving a great job in Fl.  Although he has talked about visiting, and play has gone beyond characters into us.  Which was strange, but not unenjoyable.

And I carry guilt when I play with Doc because of Sam.  And yet even he says I shouldn't although I know it hurts him to think that I do.  I have altered my life for Sam, in some ways... the way I sleep, etc.  And I think while he says he wishes I wouldn't that knowing that is kind of an ego thing for him.

I'm afraid sometimes despite his loving words and his support thats all this will turn out to be, something to tide him over and to boost his ego til whatever is wrong with him and his wife is fixed, because I mean I don't condone divorce, but I don't understand being unhappy I mean as unhappy as he seems sometimes and staying.  I understand staying in something comfortable, because thats what kept me withJohn and Chris as long as I had stayed with them, but.... theres also something different in it being female and pursuing happiness vs being a man and pursuing your happiness.  ::shrugs:: Maybe my perceptions are a bit warped, and I have become a bit used to being used.

I think I'll wrap for now.  Maybe run out to the car and get my cd's send Sam some of my music lol

I need that cabin.

I need my cabin... I need it now.  I want to hide away from the world, bury myself in the earth, just be away... and the hell of it is I know that I do it to myself.  Irony in its highest.  I put myself in these strange situations, and then bitch about them.

"Sam" and I share this beautiful intensity... and I want to believe all the things that he says to me.  God I want to believe them, but I will not let myself, I know as soon as I let my guard down there... And I do truly want him in my life, but I can't keep going through this disaster everytime I get to spend time with him.  Its beautiful and intense and he makes me feel special, and then when its time to go... it just crashes down.  It aches, it hurts, but that at least I'm used to.

John and I ... well I spoke to him today and thats just an experiment in uselessness.  He aggrivates me, and I know that theres no love there anymore, I often wonder if there ever was, but its something I know.  And I do believe he could be a better person than he acts, but its so frustrating to know that he doesn't want to be.  He thinks there is nothing wrong with him.  He says all the things he thinks he has to to me, that he's trying to be better and trying to be the man I need him to be, but we both know better.

Then there is the one that I started this journal with...  the boy... and wouldn't he hate me if he knew thats what I was referring to him as... but he is.  I don't believe anything he says either, and I hate the way he makes me feel.  I was so much better before I started talking to him again.  In a way I'm sorry I came back to AOL.  If I hadn't come back, I wouldn't have spoken to him again.  I wouldn't be involved with his life again.  I don't need his drama i create enough of my own in my life.  And I let him hurt me again and again.  His air of superiority though kills me.  He has fucked his own life beyond reason... if he is to be believed... and god knows thats a phrase that comes up a lot.  He is as bad or worse than I am for going out and being somewhat social, and yet preaches to me.  I can't stand that.

I need to get back in touch withB.  I miss him.  He was my sanity in the face of the madness more often than he knew.  He could help me sort all this out, without making me feel anything else lol.  We have talked about the lines we could cross, but we never do... we toe them from time to time.  That never works out well, I think because thats the one relationship that I have where the lines have always been clear.  And like most of the men in my life though, he does have his moments of smug superiority.  But all in all he is one of the few truly nurturing presences in my life.

Then there's Doc... god a few more names and I will have my own equivalent of the seven damn dwarves.  Talking to him affects me differently than Sam... Sam makes me feel loved for who I am and what I have accomplished now, even if it isn't very much.  There is something in Doc that makes me want more... makes me long to be better, to be more educated (Something about being an educator himself maybe) just to be stronger, more adventurous... just MORE.  I am incredibly envious of the travels he's been on and the things he knows.  Knowledge has always been a comfort to me... and yet I have fallen away from that as well.  I don't read the way I used to... and I know realistically I will never be able to get back to school... at least not now, not for a long time.  I will be stuck in nothingness forever.

I am considering finding a doctor and going back on medication, but the thing is, while I feel this pain, I don't feel it the way I used to.  I am can't describe it... its kind of like when a part of you falls asleep and you can poke it with a pin. You feel it but you dont' feel it.  Thats what everything feels like lately.

I have an opportunity to go out in the world today... One I have ignored so far.  A chance to meet someone new and local at the mall, I don't think I am going to go though.  I am experiencing some heavy anxiety at the thought.  I could so use a pill... or two lol.  God I sound like such a druggie, and I'm really not.

I'm jsut tired.  It feels like no amount of sleep with cover it.  I have been weak and shaking for days, and I don't reallly know why.  I should go to a doctorand see if there is a real reason, but I won't.  I don't.  part of me doesn't care.

I will write more later, keep you updated on the anxiety and whether I go out or not for real...

There are just some days

Some days I wonder if getting out of bed is worth it.  I have made the journal public again, after briefly keeping it private.  I have found both exquisite happiness and sadness in one person.  Its interesting after what I went through a month ago, roughly, with the other person that I started this journal talking about.  Interesting after the changes my life has made in the past couple of weeks, and interesting considering the changes my life continues to make, and not make, as it seems changing and stagnant at one time.  I know that only I can really control that.  That my aversion to people is something that I can do something about.. if I choose to, and if I choose to medicate again.

That is something I am toying with.  Finding a doctor, just for the xanax, just for the times where the anxiety is too much to deal with. I don't know... Sometimes I think not having them is better, less temptation to medicate when I don't really need it.

I am talking to John again.  I don't know why, but I am... well I do know why, because I love the person I WANT him to be.  And for a little while I can fool myself into thinking he is turning into that person, but I know better.  However he has made a small effort to pay back some of the money... ok $50 so far... but its a start.

"Doc" and I have talked a bit now that the school year is over for him, and his vacation has begun.  He tells a wonderful story.  He suits a number of my needs, giving me vampires when I need vampires, and mutants when I need them.  Blades and blood and fangs.  He talks about meeting, but I don't know if that would happen, although the thought is there.  It would be in the future... long into the future, and theres no telling what that would hold.

And then there is Sam... ::sighing:: My Sam who isn't really mine at all.  Maybe my secret as much as I am his because I know some of my friends would highly disapprove of me and Sam.  He is quite a bit older, and of course, as it would be in all great romantic tragedy,  married.  I love him, and he loves me the best that we can.  It started with a simple email, that he recognized what he considers my inner beauty, and expressed a desire to be part of my life.  We had both taken it to be friends at first, but its quickly escalated.  And I am torn.  Highly torn.  I know that I should walk away, perhaps keeping him as a friend, and acquaintance, and then I consider how wonderful he makes me feel how warm and loved, and how every word, good and bad takes on a new deep and intimate tone... And I could just keep telling myself that its just online, its just the phone, but theres no denying the depth of it.  And I have told him I won't stop my life completely with him, which I guess is why I still talk to Doc, and maybe started talking to John again.

There is more irony in my life, in the 25th year since I have seen my father.  I have one love "Sam" that bears his real name and is terribly close to his age.  Another "Doc" (which is his job, though not an MD) which is his nickname, which is why she has that lovely jailhouse "D" on her arm. 

I will add more later.  I am sure.