Another year down...

One day I might have to change the name of this thing if I can, or just start a new one.  Maybe not today.  Another year winding down, and I have got to say its been a hell of a year.  Lots of changes.  A lot of uncertainty, and a lot of resolution to some things.  Those who are close to me know a lot of the issues that precipitated my move here.  The turmoil sparked by forgotten memories.  Slowly, I've begun to let go of somethings and some relationships that were decidedly unhealthy. 

I am still in contact with John, which sometimes breaks my heart, but most of the time just angers and/or aggrivates me.  Sometimes, despite all the anger, resentment and disgust I wonder if I can fix him/ help him.  He's got potential... somewhere.  However for the most part I know its a lost cause.

Its odd to me, the boy that I started writing this journal about and I haven't spoken in ages now.  He crosses my mind from time to time, but fewer and far between.  I know that this is for the best.  While he claimed to want the best for me, his true joy came from the misery I continued to have.  Not due to his presence in my life, but still thriving on it, and my life seems improved now.

I still talk to "Doc" online, and we've talked about talking more.  And then we fall away again.  Is there/was there something not realized there?  Distance is a bitch.  I know this from all aspects in my life.  In his case the nickname stuck because he liked it :) 

Bryan and I still talk from time to time as well, online, not on the phone, since we've both moved, changed phone numbers etc. etc.  and we're both in different places now than we were.  I miss the friendship we have.  Caught the show Bones for the first time today.  Its no Angel, but I did think of all those nights spent in silence except for commercials.

And of course the one, who has helped me through this year of change, of growth, in more ways than I could begin to discuss here.  There is so much I want to say, and I don't have the exact words.  Of course the day is more important than just the new beginning because it is his birthday.  I would have been so far behind, so lost if not for his calm, strength, generosity, and guidance.  Most importantly the love he's given me.  I will be eternally grateful for all that we share despite its imperfections.

A year with my first new apartment, purely my own, no room mates, no boyfriends, no parents.  My own decorating.

A now not so new job, non retail for the first time in several years.

The car still diagnosed in good health by the fine people at firestone, and if they can diagnose indy cars they can diagnose mine though when I first brought it in they accused me of drag racing with it.  Who Me? NAHHH!

Thats my benign boring life in review.  The best to anyone who stops by this space in the coming year!

The Ghosts of Christmas

This actually isn't the music I was looking to listen to, but somehow it seems to fit.  Someone special taught me that sometimes its the simplest most quiet of voices that speaks the loudest.  Rather than the huge orchestral arrangements I was looking for originally this is what seems to fit.

We did Christmas this morning at my Aunt's house.  It was nice.  We all did the traditional Christmas.  We ate too much, opened in minutes what took someone hours (in two cases, my aunts gifts and my own) to wrap.  The kids were thrilled to death with the haul.  I opened the gifts from my mother, which were far too many due to the other kindnesses that she gave me this season.

I got my pajamas, and slipper socks.  In my family you get pajamas for Christmas its just the way it is.  Now that I am home, and decompressed from the loudness and business from the day, and clad in said pajamas I can kind of sit back and reflect on them.  God knows it must sound so silly to be in tears over something so simple, but in my life there have been so many things that have fallen flat, and fallen away, something this simple that's so constant is a precious joy.

First let me cover this a little, you'll see this is written around 4pm and you're probably thinking pajamas... huh?  But I've worked a lot this week, and overnight and haven't slept yet today darnit!  Pajamas are ok.

For as long as I could remember I've gotten pajamas for Christmas.  Christmas eve when I was little we used to go visit Aunt Mary, an elderly relative of ours.  She was actually my like great great aunt or something.  We would spend some time there, and then leave lamenting how she didn't live all that far away, and we should visit more.  Lord, that woman could COOK!  Even in her older years.  She made all the stuff that you pay a oodles for in an Italian restaurant.  (Pasta Fagouil etc.)  We did what last minute stuff we might have, and we'd have a big meal of baked macaroni, and fried flounder.  I was raised Catholic and Christmas Eve was strictly meat less.  And that was the meal, still is I think.  Occasionally someone will throw in some shrimp cocktail but that's about the only difference.

My Aunt who was out of the house came and would eat, when I was little though her presents would wait til Christmas day.  Then we'd load up in the cars and head to my other Aunt's who's house was like an all night buffet on Christmas eve.  Food more than you could imagine.  Lasagna, Eggplant Parmesan and plenty of Italian bread, salad, trays of olives and pickles, deviled eggs, crackers and pepperoni and cheese including the dreaded to me anyway provolone, or sock cheese as my sister coined it in later years regarding its  dirty sock aroma.  Always a bowl of red hard boiled eggs which I would come to know the symbolism of in later years.  That's just the food, we haven't even gotten to the desserts.  Family and neighbors bringing trays of cookies from the bakeries or that they made, or pastries or canolies and pies and cakes.  You could gain 50 lbs looking at the table.  Thats personally what I attribute my whole weight on.  (Not really)

There would be presents to open there and we'd ooh and ahh and late in the evening we'd go home.  Around 10:30 sometimes as late as 11.  Somehow it seems as we got older we started coming home earlier, but that's and age thing I'm sure.  Santa always seemed to want to come earlier as we got older and my sister was at the Santa age. 

We'd go home, set the scene for Santa and then we could pick one present under the tree to open to make more room for the Santa presents.  Mine was always the clothes box, always from my Grandfather (whom we lived with) and it was always pajamas.  You went to bed on Christmas eve in your Christmas pajamas.  When you came down the next morning Santa had always come.

My grandfather was gone three years on the 15th, and somehow when I get the box that I know are the pajamas I still expect the tag to say love pop-pop.  Of course I still expect him to answer the phone at my mom's (Formerly his house) when I call too.  31 now, and still getting the Christmas pajamas, still wearing them on Christmas eve.  When and if I ever have children, they will be allowed to open one present on Christmas eve...

We had this little metal chime that was stars inside of stars that rang.  My aunt anna gave it to us when I was 5 and when you heard it on Christmas eve night it meant Santa had been there and he was leaving.  Of course as I got older and began my obsession with its a wonderful life I also learned that lots of angels got their wings that night.  Its one thing that in my various moves from home I have been missing on my tree was a bell that actually rang.  This year someone who is very dear to me sent me one, and touched me in a whole new way.  Because its a bell from his tree, from his own mother's ornaments.  The "Angel" Bell..

I don't need Santa to ring it for me though because I already have so many gifts and have been so blessed this year.  More than I can ever really explain.  My Aunt that I am close to here now that I have moved to Tenn.  tells me all the time that I need to go out more that I will never meet real friends online, but so many of the people that I have met online have blessed me and have touched my life in so many ways.

And of course there are more malevolent spirits that raise their head at this time of year.  The broken dreams, like misfit toys almost that like to creep in.  The losses, family, friends, that I hate, that I lament.  That I wish I could fix.  Some things can't be fixed, and some things shouldn't be "fixed" because what's fixed for me isn't necessarily fixed for them.

Long story short, Thank you, a huge and loving thank you to all the people in my life that have blessed me this year and in all the years before.  To those who shone light in my path when it was darkest.  To those who help and guide when I am lost.  To those who shut up and listen when I need to rant, and let me know when I need to shut up and listen.  Thank you for touching my life.  Thank you for being in my life.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

A new day

Adjusting to life without Drew, which is strangely quiet and peaceful, and facing something even more odd.  Early on Rob had written a bio for me, and now I am facing a good many demons of my own  and doing the same for him.  Unfortunately I am not nearly as clear thinking and unbiased as he is.  Mine is far more emotional.  However, I am going to make my way through it.  I am thinking of posting it before I'm done, just so my only record of it isn't sent away.  I'm hand writing it out to him.  Its stirring up quite a bit more than I thought it would.  :;sighing:: well heres to another few months without an entry ;)

A return

Talking to Bryan for the first time in a while, which is kind of nice.  I have decided that I am giving up all pretense and dropping my codenames for people, cause I am pretty sure that no one reads this and thats ok by me.  Well Rob says he doesn't read it, but I don't know.  Thing is, I am not sure I feel quiet necessarily, but AOL doesn't have enough options for emotions... and clearly these things were geared for children or younger people... what with chillin' being one of the emotional options.  ::sighing:: lord knows I am no teenager!

I haven't spoken to Drew, the "him" of earlier entries in nearly three weeks, and I find that things are actually quite a bit more peaceful.  It sounds hateful I think, but I can't help it if its the truth.  I hear things now and then about who he's screwing and whatever, and I just don't care anymore.

I haven't spoken to Matt in a while either (aka Doc) which, I kind of miss him, but not as much as I thought I might.  I don't even really miss the vampire story.  I just feel like that is really the only reason he wanted to talk to me and I just ::shrug:: I don't know, I am not a piece of meat dammit ::mock sob::

Rob... Rob... Rob :;sighing:: I love him, we talk several times a day, every morning, every afternoon that he works after work, or after I get out of work on the days that he doesn't work, and then now he calls me every night before bed.  He's so tender and loving and sweet.  The whole situation breaks my heart.  I have been venting in the offline journal at length, about him, and about myself.  He's made names to match mine, and I've got ones to match his.  I love him.  I wish I could give him the strength that Edith gave Sam to be able to leave Fran finally.  I really think she is a Fran.  He may not be willing to admit it, and I feel horrible for keep promoting it.  I mean I shouldn't and its ungodly... not that godliness is chief among things in this relationship, and at the same time it is, because he makes me feel so much more spiritual and feel gods voice more, I want to share my life with god with him, i want to go to church with him, and I can imagine having children with him and :;sighing:: I know I shouldn't talk like this, he is still married, and even he has said since the very very beginning that isn't likely to change.  And I know he needs to take care of his dad and I am not trying to take him away from that, much like he would never try to take me away from caring for my mother if the need arose.  ::sighing::  He is the first person in my life that makes me think, I mean really think that I might be a good mother, of course part of that may be because I'm 30 and am trying hard to try to get my life together.

Rob has tried so hard to help me, and to nurture me in his own loving way.  He is touched by the fact that I think that he would make a good father.  He tries to get me to go to church, and to encourage my spirituality.  He apologizes since he thinks that he is the reason that I don't go to church anymore.  He isn't.  I do this from time to time.  fall away and return.  And this is something I would really like to share with him.  I want to have a life with him.  I am sure I am being selfish and horrible, but I really do feel that he is a Master to me, a loving nurturing Master, something that Scott never was.  And Rob takes the position very seriously, very seriously.  He takes punishing me seriously, more than just physical punishment.  He wants to nurture me, and for me to learn from him.  I love him so much, and I respect him which is so much more important.  ::sighing:: I just want more.  I know its not fair of me to ask.  I am always afraid that this is going to wind up being more of a one sided love than it needs to be.  One sided on my side.  One sided that I am giving up sections of my life again for a man, and for loving someone I have no business loving and will be punished for it.  For now, I think I may have said enough.  I wonder if there will be fallout from this, but I guess I will find out soon enough.

Why

::sighs:: I really wish they had conflicted as a mood.  It seems to be the most descriptive at least of my moods.  Its funny I'm listening to Pippin which Sam sent me, which makes me wish I had all my old cd's.  My Phantom and LesMis and Miss Saigon, and Evita ::sighing::

Ok Conflicted... and Sam... amazing how the two go together.  I know I shouldn't be involved with him.  Its painful, and often lonely, and yet so wonderful and amazing.  I can see a life with him.... aside from the whole being married thing.  And god that hurts so much.  Having to jump off the phone, or cut ourselves short... Knowing we will never see each other... well the odds of it are slim to none.  Knowing how badly I want to and knowing of course that continuing a relationship with him is wrong.  Coveting and whatnot.... There are times when I feel like the only person in his life, and then there are times when I am just too acutely aware of the reality of the situation.  Even if it wasn't for her, there would be the issue of his Dad, and if not that I know there would manage to be something else, or at least thats what it seems.  I can't begin to request he change his life for me, though part of me wants to.  Part of me doesn't understand that if I have changed his life in the ways he keeps telling me how no one is seeing a change in him.  And there is part of me that still doubts his words.  I can't help it.  He says he understands, but... I don't know.

And there is Doc... if I could combine the two, well hell I would have the perfect man lol.  I like him, Doc that is.  We get along well.  He's had a life I am envious of... and he can back up a lot of his stories which is nice.  I mean his incredible ones.  The ones that would lead me to doubt.  He's mature, and responsible, and I know I have mentioned the man can tell a story.  He is kind of amazed at how well he and I get along, which I don't know how to take that.  Which I am pretty sure he's gunshy like me of a serious commitment, and at the same time, he's in his late 30's and I think we both might be feeling it a little. ::shrugs:: I could be imagining things.  And there is the issue of me not leaving TN, and he's not leaving a great job in Fl.  Although he has talked about visiting, and play has gone beyond characters into us.  Which was strange, but not unenjoyable.

And I carry guilt when I play with Doc because of Sam.  And yet even he says I shouldn't although I know it hurts him to think that I do.  I have altered my life for Sam, in some ways... the way I sleep, etc.  And I think while he says he wishes I wouldn't that knowing that is kind of an ego thing for him.

I'm afraid sometimes despite his loving words and his support thats all this will turn out to be, something to tide him over and to boost his ego til whatever is wrong with him and his wife is fixed, because I mean I don't condone divorce, but I don't understand being unhappy I mean as unhappy as he seems sometimes and staying.  I understand staying in something comfortable, because thats what kept me withJohn and Chris as long as I had stayed with them, but.... theres also something different in it being female and pursuing happiness vs being a man and pursuing your happiness.  ::shrugs:: Maybe my perceptions are a bit warped, and I have become a bit used to being used.

I think I'll wrap for now.  Maybe run out to the car and get my cd's send Sam some of my music lol

I need that cabin.

I need my cabin... I need it now.  I want to hide away from the world, bury myself in the earth, just be away... and the hell of it is I know that I do it to myself.  Irony in its highest.  I put myself in these strange situations, and then bitch about them.

"Sam" and I share this beautiful intensity... and I want to believe all the things that he says to me.  God I want to believe them, but I will not let myself, I know as soon as I let my guard down there... And I do truly want him in my life, but I can't keep going through this disaster everytime I get to spend time with him.  Its beautiful and intense and he makes me feel special, and then when its time to go... it just crashes down.  It aches, it hurts, but that at least I'm used to.

John and I ... well I spoke to him today and thats just an experiment in uselessness.  He aggrivates me, and I know that theres no love there anymore, I often wonder if there ever was, but its something I know.  And I do believe he could be a better person than he acts, but its so frustrating to know that he doesn't want to be.  He thinks there is nothing wrong with him.  He says all the things he thinks he has to to me, that he's trying to be better and trying to be the man I need him to be, but we both know better.

Then there is the one that I started this journal with...  the boy... and wouldn't he hate me if he knew thats what I was referring to him as... but he is.  I don't believe anything he says either, and I hate the way he makes me feel.  I was so much better before I started talking to him again.  In a way I'm sorry I came back to AOL.  If I hadn't come back, I wouldn't have spoken to him again.  I wouldn't be involved with his life again.  I don't need his drama i create enough of my own in my life.  And I let him hurt me again and again.  His air of superiority though kills me.  He has fucked his own life beyond reason... if he is to be believed... and god knows thats a phrase that comes up a lot.  He is as bad or worse than I am for going out and being somewhat social, and yet preaches to me.  I can't stand that.

I need to get back in touch withB.  I miss him.  He was my sanity in the face of the madness more often than he knew.  He could help me sort all this out, without making me feel anything else lol.  We have talked about the lines we could cross, but we never do... we toe them from time to time.  That never works out well, I think because thats the one relationship that I have where the lines have always been clear.  And like most of the men in my life though, he does have his moments of smug superiority.  But all in all he is one of the few truly nurturing presences in my life.

Then there's Doc... god a few more names and I will have my own equivalent of the seven damn dwarves.  Talking to him affects me differently than Sam... Sam makes me feel loved for who I am and what I have accomplished now, even if it isn't very much.  There is something in Doc that makes me want more... makes me long to be better, to be more educated (Something about being an educator himself maybe) just to be stronger, more adventurous... just MORE.  I am incredibly envious of the travels he's been on and the things he knows.  Knowledge has always been a comfort to me... and yet I have fallen away from that as well.  I don't read the way I used to... and I know realistically I will never be able to get back to school... at least not now, not for a long time.  I will be stuck in nothingness forever.

I am considering finding a doctor and going back on medication, but the thing is, while I feel this pain, I don't feel it the way I used to.  I am can't describe it... its kind of like when a part of you falls asleep and you can poke it with a pin. You feel it but you dont' feel it.  Thats what everything feels like lately.

I have an opportunity to go out in the world today... One I have ignored so far.  A chance to meet someone new and local at the mall, I don't think I am going to go though.  I am experiencing some heavy anxiety at the thought.  I could so use a pill... or two lol.  God I sound like such a druggie, and I'm really not.

I'm jsut tired.  It feels like no amount of sleep with cover it.  I have been weak and shaking for days, and I don't reallly know why.  I should go to a doctorand see if there is a real reason, but I won't.  I don't.  part of me doesn't care.

I will write more later, keep you updated on the anxiety and whether I go out or not for real...

There are just some days

Some days I wonder if getting out of bed is worth it.  I have made the journal public again, after briefly keeping it private.  I have found both exquisite happiness and sadness in one person.  Its interesting after what I went through a month ago, roughly, with the other person that I started this journal talking about.  Interesting after the changes my life has made in the past couple of weeks, and interesting considering the changes my life continues to make, and not make, as it seems changing and stagnant at one time.  I know that only I can really control that.  That my aversion to people is something that I can do something about.. if I choose to, and if I choose to medicate again.

That is something I am toying with.  Finding a doctor, just for the xanax, just for the times where the anxiety is too much to deal with. I don't know... Sometimes I think not having them is better, less temptation to medicate when I don't really need it.

I am talking to John again.  I don't know why, but I am... well I do know why, because I love the person I WANT him to be.  And for a little while I can fool myself into thinking he is turning into that person, but I know better.  However he has made a small effort to pay back some of the money... ok $50 so far... but its a start.

"Doc" and I have talked a bit now that the school year is over for him, and his vacation has begun.  He tells a wonderful story.  He suits a number of my needs, giving me vampires when I need vampires, and mutants when I need them.  Blades and blood and fangs.  He talks about meeting, but I don't know if that would happen, although the thought is there.  It would be in the future... long into the future, and theres no telling what that would hold.

And then there is Sam... ::sighing:: My Sam who isn't really mine at all.  Maybe my secret as much as I am his because I know some of my friends would highly disapprove of me and Sam.  He is quite a bit older, and of course, as it would be in all great romantic tragedy,  married.  I love him, and he loves me the best that we can.  It started with a simple email, that he recognized what he considers my inner beauty, and expressed a desire to be part of my life.  We had both taken it to be friends at first, but its quickly escalated.  And I am torn.  Highly torn.  I know that I should walk away, perhaps keeping him as a friend, and acquaintance, and then I consider how wonderful he makes me feel how warm and loved, and how every word, good and bad takes on a new deep and intimate tone... And I could just keep telling myself that its just online, its just the phone, but theres no denying the depth of it.  And I have told him I won't stop my life completely with him, which I guess is why I still talk to Doc, and maybe started talking to John again.

There is more irony in my life, in the 25th year since I have seen my father.  I have one love "Sam" that bears his real name and is terribly close to his age.  Another "Doc" (which is his job, though not an MD) which is his nickname, which is why she has that lovely jailhouse "D" on her arm. 

I will add more later.  I am sure.

Funny

Interesting that I haven't written since deciding to make this private, at least for the time being, as with all things thats subject to change, and I am fighting to keep it neutral, to keep it what it truly was, a journal of who I am and my journey rather than one continuous love letter, as it could so easily turn out to be, right now.

He has sent me pictures of his home, of his life, and I feel closer to him for it, and yet in a way it breaks my heart, knowing that outside of the phone, and the computer its a life I will never truly be able to share.  I know this, and am resigned to this fact.  Sometimes it makes the moments we share sweeter, sometimes more painful.

I am less torn about certain things than I was.  Maybe I shouldn't be... The situations in his life, allow me a certain degree of comfort I guess... Well not comfort, just... less concern I guess.  I don't know.  I still know to an extent what we have is wrong, but aside from the phone we aren't actively pursuing it outside of anything, so is there a real violation?  He has said she is not the doting wife waiting at home, one day when I am feeling brave again, maybe I will ask him to clarify that further.  Right now, I am ok with what I know.  ::sighs::  I miss him.  He has taken to calling me around 5:30 my time, while he is on his way to work, and I simply adore that.  Even if it is a few words, it gives precious color to my days where there would normally have been none.

He is being kind and supportive during the trials I am facing with the other "him" in my life, one not so pleasant.  There is so much more that I want to say and yet I dn't have the words.  Thats been happening a lot lately.  Strange.  Particularly for me!

A sigh and a smile

I am nearly afraid to say how well things are going, aside from some emotional issues that I am trying to cope with... And I am worried about the he that the first half of this journal has been about.  While he brought about his own failure I am still sorry for his pain, but he finally crossed the final line.  I can't beholden to him any longer.  I have too much wonderful to let it be ruined by someone so unhappy who won't let others be happy. 

The quest for the book I am trying to read is proving harder than I thought, but I'll find it. 

In any case I am tired and I have something of a date this afternoon to rest for. 

Amazed

Holy perspective realignment!  A month ago, a week ago... when did I start this thing?  I wouldn't have thought that this would happen to me.   That I would feel this way, and I know that despite the beautiful words that come with it that it won't be this way forever... situations are what they are, reality has a way of being a cruel mistress, but... ::stopping, thinking, making a face at my choice of words, and moving on::  But I won't give this up, I can't.  When I have no words he's known them... He's read me, my words and my heart in ways no one has.  For this I will be grateful.  For every moment that he calls me his...

And I am scared to death... of how fast, and how strong this all is... Of what reality might bring... Of what it means that I am deep inside.

There will be more...

A Damn fine day

Today has been an incredible wonderful amazing day for me, spent in the company of someone incredibly special... Someone who makes me feel like noone else before them has.  He makes me feel valued and special  and so far beyond incredible.  He understands my heart before I even try to put it in words.  A truly sweet man, a true gentleman, I look forward to talking to him, sharing with him for a long time to come.  In the darkest of hours I was given light, not in the way I expected it, but his light is great, and I shall treasure it for as long as it shines on me.

Just a good day....

I got to talk to one of my new friends today.  That was essentially how my day at home started today, which was wonderful.  Hearing his voice is just like being cradled in a warm embrace... Something I have not felt in far too long!  Unfortunately, this would be the gentleman that I am a bit smitten with that lives almost 1000 miles away.  And he truly seems so the role of the roguish gentleman... He suits my tastes so well, every word he utters is just what I have wanted in my life for so long, and it is not prompted by what I have said, but his true heart.  But we are still into the first week, it is still not fair to say he is all I want...  But so far she SOUNDS like all I have wanted... leaving me wondering... why have our paths not crossed until now?  And if nothing else as he said, despite the distance we will continue tobe friends.

And so is every email from my other new friend.  He has a way with words that touches my heart like no one else has.  Each new note is poignant and special, and builds me up so sweetly.  I am so grateful for these new influences in my life.

My only frustration is that I am trying to find some pages that I had built and I can't... Which I will return to the search now, I just needed to pass these positive words along.

 

More Aggrivation

Ok, I'm trying my damndest to have a good day... I slept in, which I have some slight amount of guilt over, since I should have been at church... But I'll get over it.  Been talking to some really positive people lately.  Thats a good thing.  Trying to create distance between me and the person that most of my entries have been about.  And therein lies the problem.  I never know when he is on because he has me blocked, so its always a surprise.  Which is a pain in the ass within itself.  Then when I treat him like a friend he blows a shitfit.

I am not supposed to feel for him, which I am ok with that.. But when I try to establish a friendship thats not good enough.  I guess I am still supposed to be falling in worship ::gag::  So then he starts being hateful, and mean, and blaming everything on me, bringing up the past, albeit some of it is recent past, but still... And I am stuck with him being all about me and whatever until I go out and get a life.  Well shit... I don't want to go out. I want to go on with my life, but I will do it in my own time.  He's a fine one to talk.   He doesn't exactly have a full and rich life either.   In any case, I play along, let him think what he wants and slowly I will continue to make my distance.  Life is full of changes.  He needs to adjust to that too.  I am not going to be his friggen lapdog.

There are some people that are worth waiting for, or working with.  Some people that aren't, but I will continue to let things ride, to let things go the way he thinks they should... for now.

How far to Florida

::very happy content sigh:: I wonder if this happiness, this peacefulness is going to last.  My second night talking to my new friend, and it was as intense and incredible as the first, and I know that he is expecting that I am just going to go to sleep, but I had to share... it was just one of those things.  I am so the smitten kitten right now... I hope it lasts.  He is really sweet and nice and easy to talk to and just... ::shivers:: well he has a wicked side that... I won't write about here.

And I spoke to another one of my new friends today and he was just wonderful to talk to.  I have some really great people in my online life at the moment.  I am feeling a bit blessed.  Of course I will eventually have to venture into the outside world, but for now...

And I spoke to the other one the one that I caused myself so much grief over, and I was so over it lol. How funny that it could be so done.  He did so much to help that and I am truly grateful, besides last thing I need is more stress, and if he causes it I will really have to find a way to block him f rom my life.  Things are good right now. I want to enjoy them.

More Later

New Beginnings?

I am in a damn fine mood today. Isn't that nice to hear for a change.  I have  a damn fine cup of coffee (Holy Twin Peaks reference Batman!)  and have come to some stunning realizations in my life.  Of course there is more to it than that. 

As big of an asshole as he is the guy I've been fixated on is safe for me.  I kind of know my way around him, it frustrating, and its work, but its still easier than getting to know a stranger.  There is a comfort in knowing that I will never really know him, that I will never really have that kind of relationship with him.  I do not have the best track record with relationships.  This week he and I went through a crapload of drama... he gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" speech and I realized that... I've been giving him the lipservice, telling him that I loved him, but thats what it was... its like with John when I am tempted to call him again.  I love those 5 minutes a day when everything is quiet and good and happy and I feel loved.  Well the rest of the shit is just not worth it!  Then when I am ok with it he starts right up with "which is not to say things couldn't change" But they won't.  He missed his window of opportunity.  I have too much going on to waste it on someone who is going to be like the people I've been with in the past.

Now that being said, and I think this has a lot to do with it.  I've gotten some heavy attention this week due to this journal and how open I am about myself.  Which works for me, because other than the occasional rp I am not comfortable with not being myself, and maybe by being open I can assure that I will meet people who will feel they can be open with me.  So far it seems that I have.  That has been an enormous ego boost.  I am not going to go into names... protecting the innocent (or the guilty).

I am not looking for a new relationship, however, I did talk to someone last night, at length who I thoroughly enjoyed.  It was so wonderful to talk to someone who could be as serious and as silly as I am who was smart and funny and did have a certain sense of propriety.. things he should and shouldn't say, ways to act.  Refreshing to meet someone with manners!  And you got to love anyone you go from being intense and serious with to quoting Monty Python. :)  Mind you, I did call him last night, but I am determined if this is to continue I am not going to be the only one calling.  I am not going to pursue this without being pursued in return dangit.  I am not looking for anything lasting at the moment... its just a sweet relief from everything that I've put myself through, and I make no mistake about that.  I know I've done all the rest of the stuff to myself.

Last night was interesting too, I saw my cousin's husband's brother, who I had gone out on a date probably about 9 years ago, the last time I lived down here.  He's engaged now, I met his fiancee.  I don't know that either one of them wants toget married.  She is just so unmoved by it.  Didn't even show any affection to him until she saw me and him make long eye contact a couple of times.  Of course it wasn't long after that either that she made him go home.  Not that I would go there, he's engaged.  I would not violate that!

Alright... I think I'm done for now.  I'll be back, I'm sure.

Odd Odder Oddest

Well, I keep saying that I need to stay away from him, i need to find some other way to occupy my time... that he's no good for me, and where am I?  Home, alone on Saturday night on the phone well i was on the phone til he hung up on me thinking I was typing in the room.  Oh well.  Better this way.  I am so tired of hearing about the girl he loves so much that is using the hell out of him.  Anyone with half an eye on the situation would see that.  If he calls back I am so not answering it.  Let the friggen phone ring all night if it has to.

He might call back if he feels that I think he's important enough... thats too funny to me.  I have let him be far too important in my life as it is.  I just wish I could be as strong about this as I was with John.  I don't know why he gets under my skin so damn much.

I need to move on... I just can't quite bring myself to... to deny him... to make him go away...  I could keep him gone if I wanted to I think.  If it came down to it and I really told him all the crap that goes on in my head with him, but I don't know that I want to right now.  Mind you if I found someone to be with real time that would be different.  As it stands now... hell I don't know.  Probably the only reason I am so deadset on him is I think that I might be able to make some kind of impression, of difference, maybe even a positive one on his life.  That maybe we could both work through some of our trust problems...  But I don't know that I would ever really trust him.  Hell half the time I don't think I'll ever fully trust anyone.  I am still trying to figure out if maybe thats better.  He sent me the song I am listening to... its so me its eerie... had me in tears when I heard it, and read the lyrics to it.

Talking to the "married chick" and looking stuff for my Aunt... he came on briefly, probably to see if I was still on... I have a feeling this is going to be a long night, but I am going to cut the online part of it short soon.  I will write more soon... just not in the mood right now.

Moving on?

Going to have to do some deep thinking... really figure out what I need to do with that situation with that person.  I had a really rough night at work emotionally.  A man pleading with his critical wife to please not die yet because he isn't ready... Where is my love like that... I am so friggen tired of being alone... and falling for those who are never going to be what I want/need them to be.  You would think that I would know by now.  This isn't about physicality... this isn't about sex.  I mean yeah its an added bonus, but thats not all of it.  I am afraid that I am going to wind up alone.  I am trying to work on some of the stuff that he and I talked about, about letting go of what hurts me, and the more that I do the more I think I might eventually have to let go of him too.  I want a life, I don't want to miss a chance because I am holding my breath for the wrong person... and then I think, what if he's not the wrong person, he just doesn't see that I'm the right one for him yet.::sighs:: on a positive note, there is someone local that is promising... at least in these early stages of development.  We shall see.  Onward, right?

Enough with the FC references!

He and I had a really long conversation today... about letting go of the things that hurt me... letting go of the past because moving was supposed to change that... was supposed to "realign my perspective" blah blah... It was a great conversation until he started asking me who were the people in my life that hurt me... What it came down to was the one that was still hurting me (emotionally) the most was me... I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that HE is the only other person who hurts me as much as I do... which is not to say I wouldn't let him "hurt" me in other ways if he were so inclined, but thats another deal entirely.  Then that got me thinking... Is he hurting me or is my relationship with him just another way for me to be self destructive... I know I will never be "his girl"  God knows if I was we'd probably wind up killing each other.  That I have relatively no doubt on. 

Hmm... Jack just signed on and signed off... I think I annoyed him the other day.  I hope not too much.  I will admit, it felt really good having someone interested in me... Someone who doesn't know me, or much about me, who isn't involved off of some strange tug of war emotional crap...

Would I like to be his girl... truthfully... well thats an interesting question.  I don't know in all honesty if I would trust him.  He's always got someone... His girls, and according to him there is always another one in line.  And I am not saying that I would be more for him than them, I am not saying that at all, but they all have other difficulties in their lives... other issues.  My other issues are 1200 miles away.  I have that bizzarre sense of loyalty issue, mostly to the people that hurt me the most.  Pain = love, right?  Lessons learned at a young age... never to be forgotten.  Hence the need to realign my perspective.

I let him hurt me... I let him have the power to hurt me.  I get all that.  Its not great, its not fair, but if I didn't let him, didn't set myself up for it he wouldn't be able to do it..  Got it.  Does that mean though that I have to break ties with him the way that I did with John?   He confuses me, no one lifts me up, is my biggest cheerleader the way he is,and at the same time can cut me into shreds the way he does, with the tone of his voice... or what I imagine would be a look...

At least John while unstable was ... well it was John.  I knew how to take him.  I knew it was a bad relationship, It was raw a lot of times between my emotions and his drug use and as he referred to it, his Mistress (the car, but really any car)  I could never compete between that and the drugs, oh and Allison.  Lets not forget Allison, the woman he cheated on his wife with... and Andrea his ex wife that he couldn't let go of...

And then there was my biggest betrayal, Scott.  Scott was a lot of things to me though.  He was what I thought I needed emotionally, physically, and mentally.  For a week last year I was ... not happy.  Thats not quite the word for it... but it was an interesting feeling, and I didn't care who got hurt by that.  It was the aftermath that was devastating... And it was him that lifted me from it. which is where my devotion now stems from, that andthe number of times he has lifted me since then.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

I want you to his me as hard as you can

LOL took the sn MarveI GirI for Brad, not to RP I dont rp stock characters, but he didn't want someone else getting it lol.  Went to sleep earlier, I am not used to being up now.  I may lay back down for a little bit anyway though.  Spoke tohim today, faught with him, we haven't argued in a long time like that... funny he can talk to me about his other girls, and about other stuff in his life, he can pick me apart, but when I ask him to be nice because I don't feel well for two days, I am asking him to not be himself...  I need to stop letting him affect me so much.  Kind of where the subject came from ... well that and the minor obsession with the movie. I have an opportunity to rp with a good group, and I am afraid to join because I know he will start pitching fits, plus I just don't have the time to really give a good rp.  I am supposed be finding a real life too, but I just can't get over my own self image issues to be able to be confident enough to go out and meet people.  I keep saying maybe after this and after that, but when it comes down to it I don't know if I can... and I am terrified of winding up alone, and at the same time I don't imagine myself any other way.  I am going to go for now... either nap a bit more or something...

With enough soap, you can blow up just about anything

Still kind of in fight club mode and well it makes for less thinking on what I can title my entries. I am playing hooky from church today.  My throat hurts, and I just don't want to go.  I got up to get some Advil and go back to bed and somehow I've been camped out here for about an hour now.  I am not really sure why, but I imagine it could be worse.  I will go back to being a layabout in a little while.

I scribbled some stuff down around 5am that I just wasn't going to get up and type then, mind you I guess it wouldn't have mattered I only got about two hours of sleep...But, here it is:

The one word emotion response on this thing so doesn't work for me, particularly after I give into him again.  Promise that I will do better, then when he offers to speak fold like a house of cards.  I told him of the "joy" of my date, and listened as he watched weird movies and changed ringtones.  I don't know why I am so weak when it comes to him.  I have done all that I could to try to analyze it, to understand it.  I think part of the draw is that as he said we know where we stand with each other, and I do know that I will never have him.  Its a strange place at leeast for me, but we do kind of know where it is, and there is an odd comfort in that.  Eventually I know things will change with him because i know I'll be damned if I am going to stay lonely forever because of someone who doesn't love me...

My alarm is set for 7:15 I am so not making that... Lucky if I make church at all.  I am not really in the mood for it.  I know that sounds bad, but I'm tired and feeling petty.  God will understand.  Besides, despite the prayers he isn't delivering me from the weirdness... or giving me the strength to... unless I just can't see it.  Another rant for another day.

(Ok... back to current life and reality, well slight reality)

I should just go back to bed, god knows I need the sleep... and one day I really need to invest in curtains... its just too damn bright!  How can i keep my vampire hours as they've been called in the light... it burns

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection

No Jack not you (when/if you read this)

Jack is my new "single serving friend" well not so much single serving.  Not so much friend.  But he says he finds me interesting, and thats something.  I hope its good interesting.

Talked to an old friend today that I haven't seen so that made me happy.

Went on the date... it was... well the baseball game wasn't bad.  It was the Memphis Redbirds which are the triple a team for the Cardinals.  There was fireworks after the game.  Then we got to see some guy with a gun yell at another car.  Bills brothers wife freaked out, and continued freaking out, loudly and annoyingly.

I have tried to afford Bill every opportunity to be date material, however there are somethings... while he did pay which was a nice touch, he didn't hold doors, pull out chairs, any of the impression things.  The dog was cute though.  He has a HUGE rotty, who was just sweet as sweet could be.  His apartment which is larger than mine was cramped, crowded, dirty and decorated in NASCAR and John Deere.  ::sighs:: I did try and I know I sound shallow and hateful, but I just can't help it.  The way they all started freaking when they got lost though really clinched it for me.  I am rarely miss calm and collected, but I was the prevailing voice of reason with this group.  I felt like a babysitter, and I didn't drive so I didn't have any control over any of it.  I still have a headache.  After the game we went to eat which was another experience and a half... At least now I can go on with my life or what there is of it.  One night I will go on by myself downtown I think... might be safer and now I know how NOT to go lol.

I know my aunt is going to expect me to be at at least sunday school in the morning and its almost 2 so I should get to sleep...I can be a good girl when I want to, or at least I can pull it off for at least a few hours...  All those years of roleplaying paying off?  Maybe that acting class I took so many years ago now?

Posted my last two new pieces on post poems today, but I think i am going to separate out some of the best pieces and try to put something together to really be published.  I don't think it will sell, and it will wind up costing me in the long run, but it would be neat to say I've published a book of my own work...

Yay! Another old friend, although I think I am about to kill the people above me... so I may not be able to enjoy their company long.  Its bad enough I couldn't get a parking spot in front of my building... but now they're loud... ::over dramatic sigh:: somehow I'll live.

::sighs:: had a wonderful image today in my head that I am not sure I could describe but it explained my vamp fantasies I guess... blood being pain made tangible... and someone tasting that blood, drinking it would be tasting my pain... and getting off on it... it was of course much more than that in my head, I will have to try to write it out properly, but it was a powerful image.

On that note, I am going to go to bed.  Its been a rather long day, not that I did much except go to the game, but its been a long day nonetheless.  I had another opportunity this weekend to um... get to know someone better, in person, but I just wasn't ready for that.  I almost wish I had been able to, but thats just not me.  Granted, while its not me, I also did let "him" influence that decision as well.  Ok I can't say thats completely not me... but when I make my odd trips its because I think I am in some kind of emotionally committed state with the people I've gone to see... and in this case, I am sure there isn't any committal...(yes I know its the wrong word)

 

Ache

I wish I could just make him go away sometimes.  I mean its interesting that as much as he aggrivates me, pisses me off, I can't seem to cut myself off from him.  I was able to do it with John after three and a half years, but then again most of that was hell.  And he has this innate ability to hurt me with just a word.  A sound.  Its funny.  I complain about Bill talking about his friend obsessively, and yet at the same time, I realize that all I talk about is him, on the plus side at least I admit my obsession... well I guess obsession is the best word for it.

He gets so mad when someone shows an interest in me, and at the same time I am not supposed to hurt when he talks about his others, and what he does for them because he loves them.  I am the bad one when I won't talk about how he cuts me to the quick... and I know its because he feeds from the pain.  That has to be what it is.  He loves the fact that he's been right about every asshole in my life, and doesn't acknowledge that he hurts me worse.  God I need another topic.

He asks me how I feel for him and I tell him, and not only did I not get the comforting lie I got a slap in the face, and a "at least we know where we stand".  I can still feel the sting of it.

LOL where is my Tyler Durden... psychotic, strange, intense, powerful, passionate...

My Spike, the dark poet, with intensity, power, strength...

Someone to make me feel safe and to hurt me at the same time.  To know that his protection is all I would need.  That under his watch I would and could do anything...

::sighs:: Issues?  No, I have volumes.

 

A Sigh

:sigh: I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.  I have a date with someone I don't want to be with for tomorrow.  Probably because I know nothing will happen with the guy I have a date with.  He drives me nuts, but so not in the good way.  He's irritating at the least.  He tries mind you to be nice so i can't fault him for that, but my god, he just gets so annoying.  The other guy isn't put off by the one I am going out with either I think because he knows its a bet that I won't get involved at anytime. A really really safe bet.  The kid is just not my type.

Ok the person who commented is not trying to analyze me he said.  Its kind of nice to have the attention from him, that he is that interested in me.  Of course I don't know if I could bring myself to tell the other one about this, because if it isn't him in disguise he will be furious.  How pathetic is that, I have to be so careful... I will have to write more later though because I need to get some sleep.

Sleepy Solitude

Well, another day, another .50 after taxes.  Ha ha.  I am in a strange mood today... and a good deal of it, oddly enough, and as always focuses on him.  I hate the fact that I can never say the right thing, I think I am going by what he wants and then he changes, or as he puts it I misconstrue what he meant.  I ache when he is around me, I ache when he isn't.

I hate how he knows me, better than I know myself sometimes, I hate how I want to be his, how I want him... How easy it would be... then again it wouldn't be easy nothing is ever easy with him.  I hate that I care so much what he thinks, that he can cut me down cold with a word, a displeased grunt at times.  I know I let him have this power over me, and I know he feeds from it, and yet I can't bring myself to stop him, to break away completely.  I think in the long run he wouldn't really care. He has more than enough to keep him busy.  God I need a new topic.

Opportunities are presenting themselves in my life, while I know they may not be great and I know I am not the wisest person when it comes to the choices that are coming my way, when faced with similar ones I tend to take the wrong path, thinking emotionally rather than logically... well maybe emotion is too strong of a word... However, this is where he puts the challenge to me the most.  If I am to follow one of these other paths then he will no longer associate with me, or things will change with us, and while thats probably for the best, I just can't bring myself to do it.  My misplaced sense of loyalty... usually to the most hurtful ones to me.

And yet, under his guidance I have been able to open up about things that I never thought I would.  I do feel some degree of indebtedness to him, and some misplaced emotion, affection, love that doesn't do me any good, and probably doesn't do him any good either.

Someone who commented on my journal is now analyzing me, and telling me about me, and what he might do, could do.  And in the back of my mind I am on guard for two reasons.  One I don't want to displease him, and two I know that anyone at any time could be him.  On that note, I leave for bed.

"Nothing"

As long as I have known him its been like this... I don't know why I let him get under my skin so much, why I can't bear to let him leave.  The three months we didn't talk were so quiet, peaceful, and empty.  I missed him, but at the same time every time I talked to him it was such an experiment in aggrivation that it nearly wasn't worth it... and yet I can't let go either.  I know I'll never have him, and I know I am not good at the long distance thing... I have never really been good at the long distance thing, and I'm not moving, not for a long time.  I am finally getting into a good place in my life, I think, aside from the fact that I am still so insular.  Terrified really, of exposing myself again, being hurt again.  The physical pain isn't bad.  I don't mind that, hell I enjoy a hearty amount of that... at least what I have experienced so far, and would like to expand on that eventually, but getting the nerve to meet people is the killer.  I have always been painfully shy, except online, where no one can see my face.  I like it that way... and when I do meet people they are without a doubt the wrong person... Maybe thats why things would never work, I just don't want him to be like the rest of the people I know...

God, how pathetic, its all about him right now, it shouldn't be, but when he is good there is no one better, he can make me feel better than most people... than anyone.  I have confessed things to him, that I didn't think I would ever even say, and yet when he feels like being bitchy... he cuts, deeply.  I don't think he knows how much, then again he might.  Thats why he keeps striking old wounds, to keep them raw.  That may be an unfair statement, I am just rambling.  Sometimes I think that working overnight is just getting to me a little too much.  Right now he is angry at me again I think, although with him its hard to tell, usually he says he is "disappointed" or hurt which is much worse I think... I hate to think I've hurt him, or bothered him.  He'll ask me whats wrong, or whats on my mind, and time and time again I will tell him Nothing.  It drives him up a wall.  Its not that I'm trying to, or that I mean to lie to him as he said it.  I just... I've been pushing people away for so long I don't know how not to.  I know I shouldn't be pushing him away... he has been there for me like no one else I know... at the same time I feel like I have to to try to keep myself protected, to keep myself from hurting any more than I have to.

He tries so hard to get me to open up, to be a better me, a healthier (mentally) me.  He forces me out of my comfort zone as far as talking about things, and is so sweet, and tender at times, so supportive that I feel safe enough to talk about things that I never thought I would say.  And I keep giving him "nothing" I can see how that could be frustrating maybe.  Its an obvious front.  And when he calls me on it it bothers me, like who is he to question what I mean by it, if there is a deeper meaning behind it.   Mind you sometimes nothing is just random thoughts, too many running in my head to pinpoint, or thoughts that are so uncomfortable ... For hours one day my nothing was the dirt hill in my neighbors back yard, and what went on in the ditch behind it.  Things I've never admitted out loud to another soul.  And theres more, that I didn't tell him because I couldn't verbalize it.

When something bad happens he is the first person I want to talk to , when something good happens he is the first person I want to tell.

It sounds stupid but I feel kind of like Spike chasing Buffy, watching her go through her other relationships, and when she finally tells him she loves him back his response is something like "No you don't but thanks for saying so"  Well that kind of sums up how I feel when he tells me, but god sometimes its so good to hear, and to pretend.  He makes me feel so much, so much more than any of the other people in my life have, with the exception of the moron over the summer, but that was for different reasons, With the one over the summer it was disgust, self loathing, hatred I felt at least when it was all over.  From this one I get the full range of emotions, usually in the course of one conversation.

I know I have to move on, I know this isn't healthy.  I know I need a life of my own, and I need to get out and meet people. I need to take the opportunities that are presented to me, if they are presented, but he really doesn't understand the way I think.  He tries, I thinkbut as much as I can't wrap my head around some of the things in his life, he really doesn't understand some of the things in mine.

I didn't get much sleep yesterday so I need to go now, theres nothing like being on the verge of "falling out" at work... Hey at least its a hospital