Slightly More Gainful

Well I finally got hired somewhere.  YAY!  I am working for Mosaic merchandising.  I have picked up two jobs from them.  Well one, and possibly another one.  Talked to my favorite non stalking victim yesterday.  Things are aok :)

Is it all falling apart

I've tried to keep a very positive attitude about the whole getting fired thing, and I've had great people behind me, but now at every turn I feel frustrated and its taking its toll on so many things, my eating, by sleeping, my stress levels.  I had an interview with Cingular, that didn't go well, clearly.  I had an interview with Target and was offered a job almost immediately, which was great, except it was for $7.25 an hour.  Riiiiight.  I guess that should make me feel good that I was offered the job almost immediately, but I just am not looking at it that way right now.

And then theres the Doc issue.  I know he's busy.  He's been sweet about keeping in touch here and there since he left.  No better or no worse than he was before, which I guess is heartening.  Hypothetically that means things haven't gotten worse for him.  I know he's hella busy these days.  I just could use someone to lean on.  By god that bed is empty feeling lately...

Don't know what the hell to call this

The reality of my life is wearing on me a little.  I had a great couple of days and of course lost my heart a little bit more in the process.  I also came close to losing someone who's been very good to me over the years.  I am not really sure what to do with any of this other than I guess I need to verbalize what an idiot that I feel like about so many things, about how empty I feel again... please tell me I'm not completely stupid... and alone... again.

Lost

Loser!

Boys and girls, children of all ages, I am officially jobless as far as Baptist Memorial Hopsital, Collierville is concerned.  I of course got fired on Friday afternoon of last week.  I am really broken up about it too.  I am still mulling over what I am going to say in the email in my head.  I figure I am going to write a lovely email to my boss about what working for her was really like... not that I think she'll understand.  However maybe copying it to a few key people in the organization will help them understand what has been going on.  Initially I wanted to copy it to the people in my department too, but then I realized that I don't care what they think.  Apparently since so many of my issues at work were due to what they were saying to the "bosses".  The advantage of being there when the boss is there I guess as opposed to being literally in the dark all the time.

On a positive front, I did my first full day of work for that Doctor yesterday.  I figure that I will start looking for a job on Monday.  Got a week of vacation basically.  That works for me.

Its raining brine shrimp!

I am an idiot

Wow so much going on at one time!  One I'm an idiot so I apologize to anyone who's actually read my tragic downbeat entries lately, and to the person they may... or may not have been aimed  at ;).

I have another "interview" with a doc at work about becoming his PA.  Wish me luck.  How awesome would that be?  I've been in a really good positive mood since our conversation yesterday so hopefully that will keep up.  YAY!

Omission

Main Entry: omission
Function: noun
Text: something left out <the disk contains a selection of deleted scenes, and a couple of the omissions greatly add to the intelligibility of the movie's plot>
Synonyms deletion
Related words elimination; blank, skip; lapse, slip; deduction, reduction, subtraction
Near Antonyms inclusion; accretion, accrual, addendum, addition, augmentation, boost, gain, increase, increment, raise, rise, supplement

Main Entry: omis·sion
Function: noun
Pronunciation: O-'mi-sh&n, &-
Etymology: Middle English omissioun, from Late Latin omission-, omissio, from Latin omittere
1 a : something neglected or left undone b : apathy toward or neglect of duty
2 : the act of omitting : the state of being omitted

______

Ok so omission isn't technically a lie by Miriam Webster in either the dictionary or the thesaurus.  So why is it when people omit the truth, or give you half truth it hurts so damn much?

I have tried to be honest.  Too honest.  Honest to a point that I clearly run people off.  There's only so much "I've just been really busy" that you can take.  I know I have done the same thing, when I had stress in my life, but then don't tell me that YOU're better than that.  You're better than the other people I've had before and you wouldn't do anything like that.

I gave a fair explanation... it was just two years late.  Am I waiting two years for yours?

 

More lyrics

Rumour has it that your daddys coming down
Hes gonna pay the rent
Tell me baby, is this as good as life is gonna get
It feels like theres a stranger standing in these shoes
But, I know I cant lose me, cause then Id be losing you

I know I promised baby
I would be the one to make our dreams come true
I aint too proud of all the struggles
And the hard times weve been through
When this cold world comes between us
Please tell me youll be brave
cause I can realize the danger when forgiveness fades away

If you dont love me - lie to me
cause baby youre the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if thats whats meant to be
Right now if you dont love me baby - lie to me

Pour another cup of coffee
Babe I got something to say to you
I aint got the winning ticket
Not the one thats gonna pull us through
No one said that itd be easy
Let your old man take you home
But know that if you walk out on me that darling
Id be gone

If you dont love me - lie to me
cause baby youre the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us, if thats whats meant to be
Right now if you cant love me baby - lie to me
Baby, I can take it

Its a bitch, but lifes a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs will make you scream sometimes
Its hard believing that the thrill is gone
But we got to go around again, so lets hold on

If you dont love me - lie to me
cause baby youre the one thing I believe
Let it all fall down around us
If thats whats meant to be
Right now if you cant love me baby - lie to me
Lie to me
Baby, I can take it
Cmon lie to me

 

(They don't all fit, but the emotion behind it is similar)

Can't Sleep

Its probably just as well that its storming outside.  It matches how I am feeling inside I think.  I am restless and should be sleeping but can't.  Too many things on my mind.  Work and what little bit of a real life I think I thought I almost had.  I feel like I can't say too much here because someone's always got something to say when I blog online... frankly when I do too much of anything online.  It gets frustrating... like a lot of other things.

I hate when I think I have been heartfelt and honest with someone, and I don't get a response back...  Even if its something like I know I've probably gone overboard with, but I apologize.  Acknowledge me dammit.  Don't treat me like second class, then hide somewhere else.

On the other hand that may be the karma that I've put out into the world because while I"m worried about doing/saying too much on one hand I get frustrated on the other with the other situation.  If these statements don't make sense to you its ok, they make sense to me.  The other situation isn't going to change, and I don't know for all my bitching and complaining if I would want it too, but there are times where it gets to be too much.

I wish I could say that out loud without hurting feelings and that may be whats happened the other way around too, but then don't say that cutting and running is the cowards way out then completely blow me off/hide.  Of course I'm probably blowing that waaaaay out of proportion.

I think I am just lonely and am a little bit (more than a little bit) trapped in my own little corner here.  I can't get out because I don't let myself out, but every time I think theres light at the end of the tunnel it winds up feeling like I'm running into an oncoming train!  I think I trust to easily and too much, and talk too much.  On the other side of that, I do occasionally shut up, particularly if I am told to for a little while.  Sometimes I know I need to be told to... and I know that I would like that respected because I know what it feels like to not have space even when there's thousands of miles in between.

Maybe theres more chickenshitness going on here than what's admitted to.  Maybe I shouldn't be consistently always being thinking its something I did wrong especially since I issues are all around.  Maybe I'm just over tired and rambling.

Not to mention the eating is just psycho outof control again :(  Of course this random restlessness is probably coming from a few things... not being able to use the exercise bike (it hasn't been right since my sister touched it) and since my eating has been all screwy I dug out some diet pill (I forget which) that I had here and took that a bit, but I slept fine with it yesterday and I took it lots more yesterday :-\.  More on my mind since then maybe?

A co worker was having some pretty serious med tests done which has me a bit concerned too.  I wish I knew how she was doing, and she's already gone home for the day I am sure.  I should see her in the AM.  She won't have results but at least I'll be able to see how she's doing.  She's a transplant from Ohio, and we get along great.  I think its a northern girl thing.

Oh have I mentioned lately that I hate it here and if I could afford to move back to NY I would... even though I would hate it there too I'm sure.  I am still feeling very much like a woman without a country as it were.  I don't know that I will ever belong anywhere.  I much prefer the thought of belonging TO, but that's a whole nother blog for another day... and probably another venue!  I had a great conversation with someone about all that this weekend though under my alternate sn.

Another song for the emotion of the moment.

Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.
Some are satin, some are steel,
Some are silk and some are leather.
They're the faces of a stranger,
But we'd love to try them on.

Well, we all fall in love,
But we disregard the danger,
Though we share so many secrets,
There are some we never tell.
Why were you so surprised that you never saw the stranger?
Did you ever let your lover see the stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again.
Everyone goes south every now and then.
You've done it.
Why can't someone else?
You should know by now.
You've been there yourself.

Once I used to believe I was such a great romancer.
Then I came home to a man that I could not recognize.
When I pressed him for a reason,
He refused to even answer.
It was then I felt the stranger kick me right between the eyes.

Well, we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised that you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see the stranger in yourself.

Don't be afraid to try again.
Everyone goes south every now and then.
You've done it.
Why can't someone else?
You should know by now.
You've been there yourself.

You may never understand how the stranger is inspired.
But she isn't always evil and he is not always wrong.
Though you drown in good intensions,
You will never quench the fire.
You'll give in to your desire when the stranger comes along.

 

(I will have to add more to this another time, we'll just say it rather suits how I feel right now)

Suits the mood of the moment

"Hate Me"

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you