Amazed

Holy perspective realignment!  A month ago, a week ago... when did I start this thing?  I wouldn't have thought that this would happen to me.   That I would feel this way, and I know that despite the beautiful words that come with it that it won't be this way forever... situations are what they are, reality has a way of being a cruel mistress, but... ::stopping, thinking, making a face at my choice of words, and moving on::  But I won't give this up, I can't.  When I have no words he's known them... He's read me, my words and my heart in ways no one has.  For this I will be grateful.  For every moment that he calls me his...

And I am scared to death... of how fast, and how strong this all is... Of what reality might bring... Of what it means that I am deep inside.

There will be more...

A Damn fine day

Today has been an incredible wonderful amazing day for me, spent in the company of someone incredibly special... Someone who makes me feel like noone else before them has.  He makes me feel valued and special  and so far beyond incredible.  He understands my heart before I even try to put it in words.  A truly sweet man, a true gentleman, I look forward to talking to him, sharing with him for a long time to come.  In the darkest of hours I was given light, not in the way I expected it, but his light is great, and I shall treasure it for as long as it shines on me.

Just a good day....

I got to talk to one of my new friends today.  That was essentially how my day at home started today, which was wonderful.  Hearing his voice is just like being cradled in a warm embrace... Something I have not felt in far too long!  Unfortunately, this would be the gentleman that I am a bit smitten with that lives almost 1000 miles away.  And he truly seems so the role of the roguish gentleman... He suits my tastes so well, every word he utters is just what I have wanted in my life for so long, and it is not prompted by what I have said, but his true heart.  But we are still into the first week, it is still not fair to say he is all I want...  But so far she SOUNDS like all I have wanted... leaving me wondering... why have our paths not crossed until now?  And if nothing else as he said, despite the distance we will continue tobe friends.

And so is every email from my other new friend.  He has a way with words that touches my heart like no one else has.  Each new note is poignant and special, and builds me up so sweetly.  I am so grateful for these new influences in my life.

My only frustration is that I am trying to find some pages that I had built and I can't... Which I will return to the search now, I just needed to pass these positive words along.

 

More Aggrivation

Ok, I'm trying my damndest to have a good day... I slept in, which I have some slight amount of guilt over, since I should have been at church... But I'll get over it.  Been talking to some really positive people lately.  Thats a good thing.  Trying to create distance between me and the person that most of my entries have been about.  And therein lies the problem.  I never know when he is on because he has me blocked, so its always a surprise.  Which is a pain in the ass within itself.  Then when I treat him like a friend he blows a shitfit.

I am not supposed to feel for him, which I am ok with that.. But when I try to establish a friendship thats not good enough.  I guess I am still supposed to be falling in worship ::gag::  So then he starts being hateful, and mean, and blaming everything on me, bringing up the past, albeit some of it is recent past, but still... And I am stuck with him being all about me and whatever until I go out and get a life.  Well shit... I don't want to go out. I want to go on with my life, but I will do it in my own time.  He's a fine one to talk.   He doesn't exactly have a full and rich life either.   In any case, I play along, let him think what he wants and slowly I will continue to make my distance.  Life is full of changes.  He needs to adjust to that too.  I am not going to be his friggen lapdog.

There are some people that are worth waiting for, or working with.  Some people that aren't, but I will continue to let things ride, to let things go the way he thinks they should... for now.

How far to Florida

::very happy content sigh:: I wonder if this happiness, this peacefulness is going to last.  My second night talking to my new friend, and it was as intense and incredible as the first, and I know that he is expecting that I am just going to go to sleep, but I had to share... it was just one of those things.  I am so the smitten kitten right now... I hope it lasts.  He is really sweet and nice and easy to talk to and just... ::shivers:: well he has a wicked side that... I won't write about here.

And I spoke to another one of my new friends today and he was just wonderful to talk to.  I have some really great people in my online life at the moment.  I am feeling a bit blessed.  Of course I will eventually have to venture into the outside world, but for now...

And I spoke to the other one the one that I caused myself so much grief over, and I was so over it lol. How funny that it could be so done.  He did so much to help that and I am truly grateful, besides last thing I need is more stress, and if he causes it I will really have to find a way to block him f rom my life.  Things are good right now. I want to enjoy them.

More Later

New Beginnings?

I am in a damn fine mood today. Isn't that nice to hear for a change.  I have  a damn fine cup of coffee (Holy Twin Peaks reference Batman!)  and have come to some stunning realizations in my life.  Of course there is more to it than that. 

As big of an asshole as he is the guy I've been fixated on is safe for me.  I kind of know my way around him, it frustrating, and its work, but its still easier than getting to know a stranger.  There is a comfort in knowing that I will never really know him, that I will never really have that kind of relationship with him.  I do not have the best track record with relationships.  This week he and I went through a crapload of drama... he gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" speech and I realized that... I've been giving him the lipservice, telling him that I loved him, but thats what it was... its like with John when I am tempted to call him again.  I love those 5 minutes a day when everything is quiet and good and happy and I feel loved.  Well the rest of the shit is just not worth it!  Then when I am ok with it he starts right up with "which is not to say things couldn't change" But they won't.  He missed his window of opportunity.  I have too much going on to waste it on someone who is going to be like the people I've been with in the past.

Now that being said, and I think this has a lot to do with it.  I've gotten some heavy attention this week due to this journal and how open I am about myself.  Which works for me, because other than the occasional rp I am not comfortable with not being myself, and maybe by being open I can assure that I will meet people who will feel they can be open with me.  So far it seems that I have.  That has been an enormous ego boost.  I am not going to go into names... protecting the innocent (or the guilty).

I am not looking for a new relationship, however, I did talk to someone last night, at length who I thoroughly enjoyed.  It was so wonderful to talk to someone who could be as serious and as silly as I am who was smart and funny and did have a certain sense of propriety.. things he should and shouldn't say, ways to act.  Refreshing to meet someone with manners!  And you got to love anyone you go from being intense and serious with to quoting Monty Python. :)  Mind you, I did call him last night, but I am determined if this is to continue I am not going to be the only one calling.  I am not going to pursue this without being pursued in return dangit.  I am not looking for anything lasting at the moment... its just a sweet relief from everything that I've put myself through, and I make no mistake about that.  I know I've done all the rest of the stuff to myself.

Last night was interesting too, I saw my cousin's husband's brother, who I had gone out on a date probably about 9 years ago, the last time I lived down here.  He's engaged now, I met his fiancee.  I don't know that either one of them wants toget married.  She is just so unmoved by it.  Didn't even show any affection to him until she saw me and him make long eye contact a couple of times.  Of course it wasn't long after that either that she made him go home.  Not that I would go there, he's engaged.  I would not violate that!

Alright... I think I'm done for now.  I'll be back, I'm sure.

Odd Odder Oddest

Well, I keep saying that I need to stay away from him, i need to find some other way to occupy my time... that he's no good for me, and where am I?  Home, alone on Saturday night on the phone well i was on the phone til he hung up on me thinking I was typing in the room.  Oh well.  Better this way.  I am so tired of hearing about the girl he loves so much that is using the hell out of him.  Anyone with half an eye on the situation would see that.  If he calls back I am so not answering it.  Let the friggen phone ring all night if it has to.

He might call back if he feels that I think he's important enough... thats too funny to me.  I have let him be far too important in my life as it is.  I just wish I could be as strong about this as I was with John.  I don't know why he gets under my skin so damn much.

I need to move on... I just can't quite bring myself to... to deny him... to make him go away...  I could keep him gone if I wanted to I think.  If it came down to it and I really told him all the crap that goes on in my head with him, but I don't know that I want to right now.  Mind you if I found someone to be with real time that would be different.  As it stands now... hell I don't know.  Probably the only reason I am so deadset on him is I think that I might be able to make some kind of impression, of difference, maybe even a positive one on his life.  That maybe we could both work through some of our trust problems...  But I don't know that I would ever really trust him.  Hell half the time I don't think I'll ever fully trust anyone.  I am still trying to figure out if maybe thats better.  He sent me the song I am listening to... its so me its eerie... had me in tears when I heard it, and read the lyrics to it.

Talking to the "married chick" and looking stuff for my Aunt... he came on briefly, probably to see if I was still on... I have a feeling this is going to be a long night, but I am going to cut the online part of it short soon.  I will write more soon... just not in the mood right now.

Moving on?

Going to have to do some deep thinking... really figure out what I need to do with that situation with that person.  I had a really rough night at work emotionally.  A man pleading with his critical wife to please not die yet because he isn't ready... Where is my love like that... I am so friggen tired of being alone... and falling for those who are never going to be what I want/need them to be.  You would think that I would know by now.  This isn't about physicality... this isn't about sex.  I mean yeah its an added bonus, but thats not all of it.  I am afraid that I am going to wind up alone.  I am trying to work on some of the stuff that he and I talked about, about letting go of what hurts me, and the more that I do the more I think I might eventually have to let go of him too.  I want a life, I don't want to miss a chance because I am holding my breath for the wrong person... and then I think, what if he's not the wrong person, he just doesn't see that I'm the right one for him yet.::sighs:: on a positive note, there is someone local that is promising... at least in these early stages of development.  We shall see.  Onward, right?

Enough with the FC references!

He and I had a really long conversation today... about letting go of the things that hurt me... letting go of the past because moving was supposed to change that... was supposed to "realign my perspective" blah blah... It was a great conversation until he started asking me who were the people in my life that hurt me... What it came down to was the one that was still hurting me (emotionally) the most was me... I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that HE is the only other person who hurts me as much as I do... which is not to say I wouldn't let him "hurt" me in other ways if he were so inclined, but thats another deal entirely.  Then that got me thinking... Is he hurting me or is my relationship with him just another way for me to be self destructive... I know I will never be "his girl"  God knows if I was we'd probably wind up killing each other.  That I have relatively no doubt on. 

Hmm... Jack just signed on and signed off... I think I annoyed him the other day.  I hope not too much.  I will admit, it felt really good having someone interested in me... Someone who doesn't know me, or much about me, who isn't involved off of some strange tug of war emotional crap...

Would I like to be his girl... truthfully... well thats an interesting question.  I don't know in all honesty if I would trust him.  He's always got someone... His girls, and according to him there is always another one in line.  And I am not saying that I would be more for him than them, I am not saying that at all, but they all have other difficulties in their lives... other issues.  My other issues are 1200 miles away.  I have that bizzarre sense of loyalty issue, mostly to the people that hurt me the most.  Pain = love, right?  Lessons learned at a young age... never to be forgotten.  Hence the need to realign my perspective.

I let him hurt me... I let him have the power to hurt me.  I get all that.  Its not great, its not fair, but if I didn't let him, didn't set myself up for it he wouldn't be able to do it..  Got it.  Does that mean though that I have to break ties with him the way that I did with John?   He confuses me, no one lifts me up, is my biggest cheerleader the way he is,and at the same time can cut me into shreds the way he does, with the tone of his voice... or what I imagine would be a look...

At least John while unstable was ... well it was John.  I knew how to take him.  I knew it was a bad relationship, It was raw a lot of times between my emotions and his drug use and as he referred to it, his Mistress (the car, but really any car)  I could never compete between that and the drugs, oh and Allison.  Lets not forget Allison, the woman he cheated on his wife with... and Andrea his ex wife that he couldn't let go of...

And then there was my biggest betrayal, Scott.  Scott was a lot of things to me though.  He was what I thought I needed emotionally, physically, and mentally.  For a week last year I was ... not happy.  Thats not quite the word for it... but it was an interesting feeling, and I didn't care who got hurt by that.  It was the aftermath that was devastating... And it was him that lifted me from it. which is where my devotion now stems from, that andthe number of times he has lifted me since then.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

I want you to his me as hard as you can

LOL took the sn MarveI GirI for Brad, not to RP I dont rp stock characters, but he didn't want someone else getting it lol.  Went to sleep earlier, I am not used to being up now.  I may lay back down for a little bit anyway though.  Spoke tohim today, faught with him, we haven't argued in a long time like that... funny he can talk to me about his other girls, and about other stuff in his life, he can pick me apart, but when I ask him to be nice because I don't feel well for two days, I am asking him to not be himself...  I need to stop letting him affect me so much.  Kind of where the subject came from ... well that and the minor obsession with the movie. I have an opportunity to rp with a good group, and I am afraid to join because I know he will start pitching fits, plus I just don't have the time to really give a good rp.  I am supposed be finding a real life too, but I just can't get over my own self image issues to be able to be confident enough to go out and meet people.  I keep saying maybe after this and after that, but when it comes down to it I don't know if I can... and I am terrified of winding up alone, and at the same time I don't imagine myself any other way.  I am going to go for now... either nap a bit more or something...

With enough soap, you can blow up just about anything

Still kind of in fight club mode and well it makes for less thinking on what I can title my entries. I am playing hooky from church today.  My throat hurts, and I just don't want to go.  I got up to get some Advil and go back to bed and somehow I've been camped out here for about an hour now.  I am not really sure why, but I imagine it could be worse.  I will go back to being a layabout in a little while.

I scribbled some stuff down around 5am that I just wasn't going to get up and type then, mind you I guess it wouldn't have mattered I only got about two hours of sleep...But, here it is:

The one word emotion response on this thing so doesn't work for me, particularly after I give into him again.  Promise that I will do better, then when he offers to speak fold like a house of cards.  I told him of the "joy" of my date, and listened as he watched weird movies and changed ringtones.  I don't know why I am so weak when it comes to him.  I have done all that I could to try to analyze it, to understand it.  I think part of the draw is that as he said we know where we stand with each other, and I do know that I will never have him.  Its a strange place at leeast for me, but we do kind of know where it is, and there is an odd comfort in that.  Eventually I know things will change with him because i know I'll be damned if I am going to stay lonely forever because of someone who doesn't love me...

My alarm is set for 7:15 I am so not making that... Lucky if I make church at all.  I am not really in the mood for it.  I know that sounds bad, but I'm tired and feeling petty.  God will understand.  Besides, despite the prayers he isn't delivering me from the weirdness... or giving me the strength to... unless I just can't see it.  Another rant for another day.

(Ok... back to current life and reality, well slight reality)

I should just go back to bed, god knows I need the sleep... and one day I really need to invest in curtains... its just too damn bright!  How can i keep my vampire hours as they've been called in the light... it burns

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection

No Jack not you (when/if you read this)

Jack is my new "single serving friend" well not so much single serving.  Not so much friend.  But he says he finds me interesting, and thats something.  I hope its good interesting.

Talked to an old friend today that I haven't seen so that made me happy.

Went on the date... it was... well the baseball game wasn't bad.  It was the Memphis Redbirds which are the triple a team for the Cardinals.  There was fireworks after the game.  Then we got to see some guy with a gun yell at another car.  Bills brothers wife freaked out, and continued freaking out, loudly and annoyingly.

I have tried to afford Bill every opportunity to be date material, however there are somethings... while he did pay which was a nice touch, he didn't hold doors, pull out chairs, any of the impression things.  The dog was cute though.  He has a HUGE rotty, who was just sweet as sweet could be.  His apartment which is larger than mine was cramped, crowded, dirty and decorated in NASCAR and John Deere.  ::sighs:: I did try and I know I sound shallow and hateful, but I just can't help it.  The way they all started freaking when they got lost though really clinched it for me.  I am rarely miss calm and collected, but I was the prevailing voice of reason with this group.  I felt like a babysitter, and I didn't drive so I didn't have any control over any of it.  I still have a headache.  After the game we went to eat which was another experience and a half... At least now I can go on with my life or what there is of it.  One night I will go on by myself downtown I think... might be safer and now I know how NOT to go lol.

I know my aunt is going to expect me to be at at least sunday school in the morning and its almost 2 so I should get to sleep...I can be a good girl when I want to, or at least I can pull it off for at least a few hours...  All those years of roleplaying paying off?  Maybe that acting class I took so many years ago now?

Posted my last two new pieces on post poems today, but I think i am going to separate out some of the best pieces and try to put something together to really be published.  I don't think it will sell, and it will wind up costing me in the long run, but it would be neat to say I've published a book of my own work...

Yay! Another old friend, although I think I am about to kill the people above me... so I may not be able to enjoy their company long.  Its bad enough I couldn't get a parking spot in front of my building... but now they're loud... ::over dramatic sigh:: somehow I'll live.

::sighs:: had a wonderful image today in my head that I am not sure I could describe but it explained my vamp fantasies I guess... blood being pain made tangible... and someone tasting that blood, drinking it would be tasting my pain... and getting off on it... it was of course much more than that in my head, I will have to try to write it out properly, but it was a powerful image.

On that note, I am going to go to bed.  Its been a rather long day, not that I did much except go to the game, but its been a long day nonetheless.  I had another opportunity this weekend to um... get to know someone better, in person, but I just wasn't ready for that.  I almost wish I had been able to, but thats just not me.  Granted, while its not me, I also did let "him" influence that decision as well.  Ok I can't say thats completely not me... but when I make my odd trips its because I think I am in some kind of emotionally committed state with the people I've gone to see... and in this case, I am sure there isn't any committal...(yes I know its the wrong word)

 

Ache

I wish I could just make him go away sometimes.  I mean its interesting that as much as he aggrivates me, pisses me off, I can't seem to cut myself off from him.  I was able to do it with John after three and a half years, but then again most of that was hell.  And he has this innate ability to hurt me with just a word.  A sound.  Its funny.  I complain about Bill talking about his friend obsessively, and yet at the same time, I realize that all I talk about is him, on the plus side at least I admit my obsession... well I guess obsession is the best word for it.

He gets so mad when someone shows an interest in me, and at the same time I am not supposed to hurt when he talks about his others, and what he does for them because he loves them.  I am the bad one when I won't talk about how he cuts me to the quick... and I know its because he feeds from the pain.  That has to be what it is.  He loves the fact that he's been right about every asshole in my life, and doesn't acknowledge that he hurts me worse.  God I need another topic.

He asks me how I feel for him and I tell him, and not only did I not get the comforting lie I got a slap in the face, and a "at least we know where we stand".  I can still feel the sting of it.

LOL where is my Tyler Durden... psychotic, strange, intense, powerful, passionate...

My Spike, the dark poet, with intensity, power, strength...

Someone to make me feel safe and to hurt me at the same time.  To know that his protection is all I would need.  That under his watch I would and could do anything...

::sighs:: Issues?  No, I have volumes.

 

A Sigh

:sigh: I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.  I have a date with someone I don't want to be with for tomorrow.  Probably because I know nothing will happen with the guy I have a date with.  He drives me nuts, but so not in the good way.  He's irritating at the least.  He tries mind you to be nice so i can't fault him for that, but my god, he just gets so annoying.  The other guy isn't put off by the one I am going out with either I think because he knows its a bet that I won't get involved at anytime. A really really safe bet.  The kid is just not my type.

Ok the person who commented is not trying to analyze me he said.  Its kind of nice to have the attention from him, that he is that interested in me.  Of course I don't know if I could bring myself to tell the other one about this, because if it isn't him in disguise he will be furious.  How pathetic is that, I have to be so careful... I will have to write more later though because I need to get some sleep.

Sleepy Solitude

Well, another day, another .50 after taxes.  Ha ha.  I am in a strange mood today... and a good deal of it, oddly enough, and as always focuses on him.  I hate the fact that I can never say the right thing, I think I am going by what he wants and then he changes, or as he puts it I misconstrue what he meant.  I ache when he is around me, I ache when he isn't.

I hate how he knows me, better than I know myself sometimes, I hate how I want to be his, how I want him... How easy it would be... then again it wouldn't be easy nothing is ever easy with him.  I hate that I care so much what he thinks, that he can cut me down cold with a word, a displeased grunt at times.  I know I let him have this power over me, and I know he feeds from it, and yet I can't bring myself to stop him, to break away completely.  I think in the long run he wouldn't really care. He has more than enough to keep him busy.  God I need a new topic.

Opportunities are presenting themselves in my life, while I know they may not be great and I know I am not the wisest person when it comes to the choices that are coming my way, when faced with similar ones I tend to take the wrong path, thinking emotionally rather than logically... well maybe emotion is too strong of a word... However, this is where he puts the challenge to me the most.  If I am to follow one of these other paths then he will no longer associate with me, or things will change with us, and while thats probably for the best, I just can't bring myself to do it.  My misplaced sense of loyalty... usually to the most hurtful ones to me.

And yet, under his guidance I have been able to open up about things that I never thought I would.  I do feel some degree of indebtedness to him, and some misplaced emotion, affection, love that doesn't do me any good, and probably doesn't do him any good either.

Someone who commented on my journal is now analyzing me, and telling me about me, and what he might do, could do.  And in the back of my mind I am on guard for two reasons.  One I don't want to displease him, and two I know that anyone at any time could be him.  On that note, I leave for bed.

"Nothing"

As long as I have known him its been like this... I don't know why I let him get under my skin so much, why I can't bear to let him leave.  The three months we didn't talk were so quiet, peaceful, and empty.  I missed him, but at the same time every time I talked to him it was such an experiment in aggrivation that it nearly wasn't worth it... and yet I can't let go either.  I know I'll never have him, and I know I am not good at the long distance thing... I have never really been good at the long distance thing, and I'm not moving, not for a long time.  I am finally getting into a good place in my life, I think, aside from the fact that I am still so insular.  Terrified really, of exposing myself again, being hurt again.  The physical pain isn't bad.  I don't mind that, hell I enjoy a hearty amount of that... at least what I have experienced so far, and would like to expand on that eventually, but getting the nerve to meet people is the killer.  I have always been painfully shy, except online, where no one can see my face.  I like it that way... and when I do meet people they are without a doubt the wrong person... Maybe thats why things would never work, I just don't want him to be like the rest of the people I know...

God, how pathetic, its all about him right now, it shouldn't be, but when he is good there is no one better, he can make me feel better than most people... than anyone.  I have confessed things to him, that I didn't think I would ever even say, and yet when he feels like being bitchy... he cuts, deeply.  I don't think he knows how much, then again he might.  Thats why he keeps striking old wounds, to keep them raw.  That may be an unfair statement, I am just rambling.  Sometimes I think that working overnight is just getting to me a little too much.  Right now he is angry at me again I think, although with him its hard to tell, usually he says he is "disappointed" or hurt which is much worse I think... I hate to think I've hurt him, or bothered him.  He'll ask me whats wrong, or whats on my mind, and time and time again I will tell him Nothing.  It drives him up a wall.  Its not that I'm trying to, or that I mean to lie to him as he said it.  I just... I've been pushing people away for so long I don't know how not to.  I know I shouldn't be pushing him away... he has been there for me like no one else I know... at the same time I feel like I have to to try to keep myself protected, to keep myself from hurting any more than I have to.

He tries so hard to get me to open up, to be a better me, a healthier (mentally) me.  He forces me out of my comfort zone as far as talking about things, and is so sweet, and tender at times, so supportive that I feel safe enough to talk about things that I never thought I would say.  And I keep giving him "nothing" I can see how that could be frustrating maybe.  Its an obvious front.  And when he calls me on it it bothers me, like who is he to question what I mean by it, if there is a deeper meaning behind it.   Mind you sometimes nothing is just random thoughts, too many running in my head to pinpoint, or thoughts that are so uncomfortable ... For hours one day my nothing was the dirt hill in my neighbors back yard, and what went on in the ditch behind it.  Things I've never admitted out loud to another soul.  And theres more, that I didn't tell him because I couldn't verbalize it.

When something bad happens he is the first person I want to talk to , when something good happens he is the first person I want to tell.

It sounds stupid but I feel kind of like Spike chasing Buffy, watching her go through her other relationships, and when she finally tells him she loves him back his response is something like "No you don't but thanks for saying so"  Well that kind of sums up how I feel when he tells me, but god sometimes its so good to hear, and to pretend.  He makes me feel so much, so much more than any of the other people in my life have, with the exception of the moron over the summer, but that was for different reasons, With the one over the summer it was disgust, self loathing, hatred I felt at least when it was all over.  From this one I get the full range of emotions, usually in the course of one conversation.

I know I have to move on, I know this isn't healthy.  I know I need a life of my own, and I need to get out and meet people. I need to take the opportunities that are presented to me, if they are presented, but he really doesn't understand the way I think.  He tries, I thinkbut as much as I can't wrap my head around some of the things in his life, he really doesn't understand some of the things in mine.

I didn't get much sleep yesterday so I need to go now, theres nothing like being on the verge of "falling out" at work... Hey at least its a hospital