Two out of three still aint bad

I just woke up, went to sleep around 11, took the sleeping pills (just otc ones cause I don't have real ones... that might be abit dangerous for me) and slept through til well about 6.  Now I am doing the one thing I didn't do yesterday.  I'm already on the computer.  I need to get myself motivated to either clean or get out to the "gym" and I can't.  I am not motivated to do anything but maybe have another one of my "Brian Wilson" Days.  Thats what it makes me think of when I have days like that where I can't get out of bed.  Like the BareNaked Ladies song Brian Wilson, but then again I don't want to be like that and I don't write music :-\ .  Maybe not so much.  In any case I'll write more later.

I love you I need you I just can't be with you....

Funny how that statement is always so prevalent in my life.  How about you only hurt the ones you love... so wouldn't the years I spent abusing myself prove that I just love myself...

And apparently there is a world of people who LOVE me too...

I only wonder

I only wonder what I've done wrong now.  I can't help feeling like this sometimes, and I know it may be more his situation, but mine, but I was rude and snappish before I went to sleep, and I don't know that that was necessarily good.

On the upside two online friends I hadn't seen in a while came back this week, so thats one nice thing.

Wish me luck, I think I might actually step on a scale at work, provided its not like last night and I actually get a free minute.

::sigh:: time to finish getting dressed.  I hope he comes on, but lord help how do I fix things if he doesn't?

A wonderful start

Just the start I wanted to the new year, disappointing the one person I never wanted to hurt by speaking the truth in my journal.  Even when it is favorable to him, it isn't enough because I try to speak plainly and honestly.  Leave it to me I guess.  It will more than likely be some time before my next entry despite his promise that he will not read it because it is not geared for him to read, it is geared for everyone or no one to read.  Might I note that never, given our situation has he specifically made mention of me, but I do not gripe and moan.  And for him to turn around and say some of the very few things he said on the topic bothers me greatly.

Perhaps the cabin and the manifesto are not so far away after all...