I still hate the moods they list in this damn thing. I have been advised that more than a month without an entry is too long. Maybe the person who advised me as such is right, but sometimes I just can't really say everything I want to say here. Sometimes I just can't say everything I want to say at all. The words get stuck because I am so worried that I am going to say the wrong thing or hurt someone.
I am losing what little of myself I knew. I feel sick almost all the time now. When I first moved here I almost never had headaches after all the stress and the constantly being sick at home in NY. It was a whole new chance to start over, and yet, I just couldn't do it without bringing the drama with me to some extent. Either that or it just likes to follow me. That God... he's got a funny sense of humor one way or the other.
There are days where I just want to sleep forever to get out of the situation I'm in. I am slowly talking to Doc again, and I would like to get to know him, but he doesn't get it. He says he's not all about the story, but at the same time thats what it comes down to all the time. That fucking story. I almost wish sometimes we never started it. Don't get me wrong, I loved it. It was amazing and erotic and wonderful, but... I just... I have spent so much of my life living in a fantasy I don't want that to be the only connection to someone. (I'm sorry I haven't had the balls to express this to your face, when / if you read this)
And my Sam... he says he loves me and I believe him, and god help I love him too, but I don't know if I love him the right way... and I am losing myself and who I am more and more every day. Today was the first day that other than the first call early in the morning that I have blown off his calls. And it was nice not to be fit in in the little trips throughout his day.
I have done the one thing I never wanted to do. I compromised one of my biggest moral issues. I touched on it when I got together with John since he was still technically married (she was out of the house, and they were separated) but this... this one changes who I am and how I view myself and I don't like it. I have stopped being viable creatively. I feel God may have stripped of me of my one gift for this. I stopped going to church because well one... I don't like the pastor, but two because of how awful I feel going there because I know how awful I am. I joke at work all the time that I am going to hell, but I know that I will.
Christy is a trip she keeps asking me to go to her house and stuff, and me and my aborted social skills... I keep feeling like the geek in school that gets asked by the popular kids. Part of me feels like why would she want to be friends with me... and its funny because sometimes I think they expect that because I'm from NY that I should be more elite, more sophisticated as I was told once there... but god help I am from a middle class family and have no education. Christy has an education, a loving husband who would do anything for her... according to her she has a great sex life... omg a real sex life something I haven't had since I left NY....
I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
