Why

::sighs:: I really wish they had conflicted as a mood.  It seems to be the most descriptive at least of my moods.  Its funny I'm listening to Pippin which Sam sent me, which makes me wish I had all my old cd's.  My Phantom and LesMis and Miss Saigon, and Evita ::sighing::

Ok Conflicted... and Sam... amazing how the two go together.  I know I shouldn't be involved with him.  Its painful, and often lonely, and yet so wonderful and amazing.  I can see a life with him.... aside from the whole being married thing.  And god that hurts so much.  Having to jump off the phone, or cut ourselves short... Knowing we will never see each other... well the odds of it are slim to none.  Knowing how badly I want to and knowing of course that continuing a relationship with him is wrong.  Coveting and whatnot.... There are times when I feel like the only person in his life, and then there are times when I am just too acutely aware of the reality of the situation.  Even if it wasn't for her, there would be the issue of his Dad, and if not that I know there would manage to be something else, or at least thats what it seems.  I can't begin to request he change his life for me, though part of me wants to.  Part of me doesn't understand that if I have changed his life in the ways he keeps telling me how no one is seeing a change in him.  And there is part of me that still doubts his words.  I can't help it.  He says he understands, but... I don't know.

And there is Doc... if I could combine the two, well hell I would have the perfect man lol.  I like him, Doc that is.  We get along well.  He's had a life I am envious of... and he can back up a lot of his stories which is nice.  I mean his incredible ones.  The ones that would lead me to doubt.  He's mature, and responsible, and I know I have mentioned the man can tell a story.  He is kind of amazed at how well he and I get along, which I don't know how to take that.  Which I am pretty sure he's gunshy like me of a serious commitment, and at the same time, he's in his late 30's and I think we both might be feeling it a little. ::shrugs:: I could be imagining things.  And there is the issue of me not leaving TN, and he's not leaving a great job in Fl.  Although he has talked about visiting, and play has gone beyond characters into us.  Which was strange, but not unenjoyable.

And I carry guilt when I play with Doc because of Sam.  And yet even he says I shouldn't although I know it hurts him to think that I do.  I have altered my life for Sam, in some ways... the way I sleep, etc.  And I think while he says he wishes I wouldn't that knowing that is kind of an ego thing for him.

I'm afraid sometimes despite his loving words and his support thats all this will turn out to be, something to tide him over and to boost his ego til whatever is wrong with him and his wife is fixed, because I mean I don't condone divorce, but I don't understand being unhappy I mean as unhappy as he seems sometimes and staying.  I understand staying in something comfortable, because thats what kept me withJohn and Chris as long as I had stayed with them, but.... theres also something different in it being female and pursuing happiness vs being a man and pursuing your happiness.  ::shrugs:: Maybe my perceptions are a bit warped, and I have become a bit used to being used.

I think I'll wrap for now.  Maybe run out to the car and get my cd's send Sam some of my music lol

I need that cabin.

I need my cabin... I need it now.  I want to hide away from the world, bury myself in the earth, just be away... and the hell of it is I know that I do it to myself.  Irony in its highest.  I put myself in these strange situations, and then bitch about them.

"Sam" and I share this beautiful intensity... and I want to believe all the things that he says to me.  God I want to believe them, but I will not let myself, I know as soon as I let my guard down there... And I do truly want him in my life, but I can't keep going through this disaster everytime I get to spend time with him.  Its beautiful and intense and he makes me feel special, and then when its time to go... it just crashes down.  It aches, it hurts, but that at least I'm used to.

John and I ... well I spoke to him today and thats just an experiment in uselessness.  He aggrivates me, and I know that theres no love there anymore, I often wonder if there ever was, but its something I know.  And I do believe he could be a better person than he acts, but its so frustrating to know that he doesn't want to be.  He thinks there is nothing wrong with him.  He says all the things he thinks he has to to me, that he's trying to be better and trying to be the man I need him to be, but we both know better.

Then there is the one that I started this journal with...  the boy... and wouldn't he hate me if he knew thats what I was referring to him as... but he is.  I don't believe anything he says either, and I hate the way he makes me feel.  I was so much better before I started talking to him again.  In a way I'm sorry I came back to AOL.  If I hadn't come back, I wouldn't have spoken to him again.  I wouldn't be involved with his life again.  I don't need his drama i create enough of my own in my life.  And I let him hurt me again and again.  His air of superiority though kills me.  He has fucked his own life beyond reason... if he is to be believed... and god knows thats a phrase that comes up a lot.  He is as bad or worse than I am for going out and being somewhat social, and yet preaches to me.  I can't stand that.

I need to get back in touch withB.  I miss him.  He was my sanity in the face of the madness more often than he knew.  He could help me sort all this out, without making me feel anything else lol.  We have talked about the lines we could cross, but we never do... we toe them from time to time.  That never works out well, I think because thats the one relationship that I have where the lines have always been clear.  And like most of the men in my life though, he does have his moments of smug superiority.  But all in all he is one of the few truly nurturing presences in my life.

Then there's Doc... god a few more names and I will have my own equivalent of the seven damn dwarves.  Talking to him affects me differently than Sam... Sam makes me feel loved for who I am and what I have accomplished now, even if it isn't very much.  There is something in Doc that makes me want more... makes me long to be better, to be more educated (Something about being an educator himself maybe) just to be stronger, more adventurous... just MORE.  I am incredibly envious of the travels he's been on and the things he knows.  Knowledge has always been a comfort to me... and yet I have fallen away from that as well.  I don't read the way I used to... and I know realistically I will never be able to get back to school... at least not now, not for a long time.  I will be stuck in nothingness forever.

I am considering finding a doctor and going back on medication, but the thing is, while I feel this pain, I don't feel it the way I used to.  I am can't describe it... its kind of like when a part of you falls asleep and you can poke it with a pin. You feel it but you dont' feel it.  Thats what everything feels like lately.

I have an opportunity to go out in the world today... One I have ignored so far.  A chance to meet someone new and local at the mall, I don't think I am going to go though.  I am experiencing some heavy anxiety at the thought.  I could so use a pill... or two lol.  God I sound like such a druggie, and I'm really not.

I'm jsut tired.  It feels like no amount of sleep with cover it.  I have been weak and shaking for days, and I don't reallly know why.  I should go to a doctorand see if there is a real reason, but I won't.  I don't.  part of me doesn't care.

I will write more later, keep you updated on the anxiety and whether I go out or not for real...

There are just some days

Some days I wonder if getting out of bed is worth it.  I have made the journal public again, after briefly keeping it private.  I have found both exquisite happiness and sadness in one person.  Its interesting after what I went through a month ago, roughly, with the other person that I started this journal talking about.  Interesting after the changes my life has made in the past couple of weeks, and interesting considering the changes my life continues to make, and not make, as it seems changing and stagnant at one time.  I know that only I can really control that.  That my aversion to people is something that I can do something about.. if I choose to, and if I choose to medicate again.

That is something I am toying with.  Finding a doctor, just for the xanax, just for the times where the anxiety is too much to deal with. I don't know... Sometimes I think not having them is better, less temptation to medicate when I don't really need it.

I am talking to John again.  I don't know why, but I am... well I do know why, because I love the person I WANT him to be.  And for a little while I can fool myself into thinking he is turning into that person, but I know better.  However he has made a small effort to pay back some of the money... ok $50 so far... but its a start.

"Doc" and I have talked a bit now that the school year is over for him, and his vacation has begun.  He tells a wonderful story.  He suits a number of my needs, giving me vampires when I need vampires, and mutants when I need them.  Blades and blood and fangs.  He talks about meeting, but I don't know if that would happen, although the thought is there.  It would be in the future... long into the future, and theres no telling what that would hold.

And then there is Sam... ::sighing:: My Sam who isn't really mine at all.  Maybe my secret as much as I am his because I know some of my friends would highly disapprove of me and Sam.  He is quite a bit older, and of course, as it would be in all great romantic tragedy,  married.  I love him, and he loves me the best that we can.  It started with a simple email, that he recognized what he considers my inner beauty, and expressed a desire to be part of my life.  We had both taken it to be friends at first, but its quickly escalated.  And I am torn.  Highly torn.  I know that I should walk away, perhaps keeping him as a friend, and acquaintance, and then I consider how wonderful he makes me feel how warm and loved, and how every word, good and bad takes on a new deep and intimate tone... And I could just keep telling myself that its just online, its just the phone, but theres no denying the depth of it.  And I have told him I won't stop my life completely with him, which I guess is why I still talk to Doc, and maybe started talking to John again.

There is more irony in my life, in the 25th year since I have seen my father.  I have one love "Sam" that bears his real name and is terribly close to his age.  Another "Doc" (which is his job, though not an MD) which is his nickname, which is why she has that lovely jailhouse "D" on her arm. 

I will add more later.  I am sure.

Funny

Interesting that I haven't written since deciding to make this private, at least for the time being, as with all things thats subject to change, and I am fighting to keep it neutral, to keep it what it truly was, a journal of who I am and my journey rather than one continuous love letter, as it could so easily turn out to be, right now.

He has sent me pictures of his home, of his life, and I feel closer to him for it, and yet in a way it breaks my heart, knowing that outside of the phone, and the computer its a life I will never truly be able to share.  I know this, and am resigned to this fact.  Sometimes it makes the moments we share sweeter, sometimes more painful.

I am less torn about certain things than I was.  Maybe I shouldn't be... The situations in his life, allow me a certain degree of comfort I guess... Well not comfort, just... less concern I guess.  I don't know.  I still know to an extent what we have is wrong, but aside from the phone we aren't actively pursuing it outside of anything, so is there a real violation?  He has said she is not the doting wife waiting at home, one day when I am feeling brave again, maybe I will ask him to clarify that further.  Right now, I am ok with what I know.  ::sighs::  I miss him.  He has taken to calling me around 5:30 my time, while he is on his way to work, and I simply adore that.  Even if it is a few words, it gives precious color to my days where there would normally have been none.

He is being kind and supportive during the trials I am facing with the other "him" in my life, one not so pleasant.  There is so much more that I want to say and yet I dn't have the words.  Thats been happening a lot lately.  Strange.  Particularly for me!

A sigh and a smile

I am nearly afraid to say how well things are going, aside from some emotional issues that I am trying to cope with... And I am worried about the he that the first half of this journal has been about.  While he brought about his own failure I am still sorry for his pain, but he finally crossed the final line.  I can't beholden to him any longer.  I have too much wonderful to let it be ruined by someone so unhappy who won't let others be happy. 

The quest for the book I am trying to read is proving harder than I thought, but I'll find it. 

In any case I am tired and I have something of a date this afternoon to rest for.