Talking to Bryan for the first time in a while, which is kind of nice. I have decided that I am giving up all pretense and dropping my codenames for people, cause I am pretty sure that no one reads this and thats ok by me. Well Rob says he doesn't read it, but I don't know. Thing is, I am not sure I feel quiet necessarily, but AOL doesn't have enough options for emotions... and clearly these things were geared for children or younger people... what with chillin' being one of the emotional options. ::sighing:: lord knows I am no teenager!
I haven't spoken to Drew, the "him" of earlier entries in nearly three weeks, and I find that things are actually quite a bit more peaceful. It sounds hateful I think, but I can't help it if its the truth. I hear things now and then about who he's screwing and whatever, and I just don't care anymore.
I haven't spoken to Matt in a while either (aka Doc) which, I kind of miss him, but not as much as I thought I might. I don't even really miss the vampire story. I just feel like that is really the only reason he wanted to talk to me and I just ::shrug:: I don't know, I am not a piece of meat dammit ::mock sob::
Rob... Rob... Rob :;sighing:: I love him, we talk several times a day, every morning, every afternoon that he works after work, or after I get out of work on the days that he doesn't work, and then now he calls me every night before bed. He's so tender and loving and sweet. The whole situation breaks my heart. I have been venting in the offline journal at length, about him, and about myself. He's made names to match mine, and I've got ones to match his. I love him. I wish I could give him the strength that Edith gave Sam to be able to leave Fran finally. I really think she is a Fran. He may not be willing to admit it, and I feel horrible for keep promoting it. I mean I shouldn't and its ungodly... not that godliness is chief among things in this relationship, and at the same time it is, because he makes me feel so much more spiritual and feel gods voice more, I want to share my life with god with him, i want to go to church with him, and I can imagine having children with him and :;sighing:: I know I shouldn't talk like this, he is still married, and even he has said since the very very beginning that isn't likely to change. And I know he needs to take care of his dad and I am not trying to take him away from that, much like he would never try to take me away from caring for my mother if the need arose. ::sighing:: He is the first person in my life that makes me think, I mean really think that I might be a good mother, of course part of that may be because I'm 30 and am trying hard to try to get my life together.
Rob has tried so hard to help me, and to nurture me in his own loving way. He is touched by the fact that I think that he would make a good father. He tries to get me to go to church, and to encourage my spirituality. He apologizes since he thinks that he is the reason that I don't go to church anymore. He isn't. I do this from time to time. fall away and return. And this is something I would really like to share with him. I want to have a life with him. I am sure I am being selfish and horrible, but I really do feel that he is a Master to me, a loving nurturing Master, something that Scott never was. And Rob takes the position very seriously, very seriously. He takes punishing me seriously, more than just physical punishment. He wants to nurture me, and for me to learn from him. I love him so much, and I respect him which is so much more important. ::sighing:: I just want more. I know its not fair of me to ask. I am always afraid that this is going to wind up being more of a one sided love than it needs to be. One sided on my side. One sided that I am giving up sections of my life again for a man, and for loving someone I have no business loving and will be punished for it. For now, I think I may have said enough. I wonder if there will be fallout from this, but I guess I will find out soon enough.
