advice received

Haven't posted anythng new here in a little while, been posting elsewhere.  Thought I'd share this just because I thought maybe someone could benefit from with wisdom imparted by my friend Dan...

 

 

Advice received
Current mood: contemplative

I received advice from a friend lately regarding my own personal crisis lately.  I hate to say crisis really.  I am nowhere near the "crisis state" I have been in in the past.  I am grateful for that.  I have always been somewhat lost, and I am feeling that again.

"To find yourself look outside of yourself.  But don't absorb yourself with others.  Therein lies true balance.  Once you find your rhythm and elemnt you will realize your true self... without ever having realized that it was there all along...

Be patient with yourself, and it is never too late."

In theory that sounds great.  I just wish I knew how to do it.  Patience has never been a real strong suit of mine.  Of course being balanced has never been a real strong suit of mine.  Right now I am going to ponder this just a little further, but it is useful advice for anyone who's feeling a bit lost like me...

Currently listening : Savin' Me By Nickelback Release date: By 25 April, 2006

Another one off the list

Online right now, in a crappy mood.  Darren got married today.  I shouldn't feel as bad about that as I do, and I don't think its the affection that I once had for him.  I think it was more that he was one of the last few single people I knew here, and he did all the same crap I did.  He dated and lived with people he met online.  He made mistakes.  I guess he was able to fix all that.  I haven't been.

Sometimes I think I am just destined to be alone.  And I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror.

Over my head

I still hate the moods they list in this damn thing.  I have been advised that more than a month without an entry is too long.  Maybe the person who advised me as such is right, but sometimes I just can't really say everything I want to say here.  Sometimes I just can't say everything I want to say at all.  The words get stuck because I am so worried that I am going to say the wrong thing or hurt someone.

I am losing what little of myself I knew.  I feel sick almost all the time now.  When I first moved here I almost never had headaches after all the stress and the constantly being sick at home in NY.  It was a whole new chance to start over, and yet, I just couldn't do it without bringing the drama with me to some extent.  Either that or it just likes to follow me.  That God... he's got a funny sense of humor one way or the other.

There are days where I just want to sleep forever to get out of the situation I'm in.  I am slowly talking to Doc again, and I would like to get to know him, but he doesn't get it.  He says he's not all about the story, but at the same time thats what it comes down to all the time.  That fucking story.  I almost wish sometimes we never started it.  Don't get me wrong, I loved it.  It was amazing and erotic and wonderful, but... I just... I have spent so much of my life living in a fantasy I don't want that to be the only connection to someone.  (I'm sorry I haven't had the balls to express this to your face, when / if you read this)

And my Sam... he says he loves me and I believe him, and god help I love him too, but I don't know if I love him the right way... and I am losing myself and who I am more and more every day.  Today was the first day that other than the first call early in the morning that I have blown off his calls.  And it was nice not to be fit in in the little trips throughout his day.

I have done the one thing I never wanted to do.  I compromised one of my biggest moral issues.  I touched on it when I got together with John since he was still technically married (she was out of the house, and they were separated) but this... this one changes who I am and how I view myself and I don't like it.  I have stopped being viable creatively.  I feel God may have stripped of me of my one gift for this.  I stopped going to church because well one... I don't like the pastor, but two because of how awful I feel going there because I know how awful I am.  I joke at work all the time that I am going to hell, but I know that I will.

Christy is a trip she keeps asking me to go to her house and stuff, and me and my aborted social skills... I keep feeling like the geek in school that gets asked by the popular kids.  Part of me feels like why would she want to be friends with me... and its funny because sometimes I think they expect that because I'm from NY that I should be more elite, more sophisticated as I was told once there... but god help I am from a middle class family and have no education.  Christy has an education, a loving husband who would do anything for her... according to her she has a great sex life... omg a real sex life something I haven't had since I left NY....

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

Two out of three still aint bad

I just woke up, went to sleep around 11, took the sleeping pills (just otc ones cause I don't have real ones... that might be abit dangerous for me) and slept through til well about 6.  Now I am doing the one thing I didn't do yesterday.  I'm already on the computer.  I need to get myself motivated to either clean or get out to the "gym" and I can't.  I am not motivated to do anything but maybe have another one of my "Brian Wilson" Days.  Thats what it makes me think of when I have days like that where I can't get out of bed.  Like the BareNaked Ladies song Brian Wilson, but then again I don't want to be like that and I don't write music :-\ .  Maybe not so much.  In any case I'll write more later.

I love you I need you I just can't be with you....

Funny how that statement is always so prevalent in my life.  How about you only hurt the ones you love... so wouldn't the years I spent abusing myself prove that I just love myself...

And apparently there is a world of people who LOVE me too...

I only wonder

I only wonder what I've done wrong now.  I can't help feeling like this sometimes, and I know it may be more his situation, but mine, but I was rude and snappish before I went to sleep, and I don't know that that was necessarily good.

On the upside two online friends I hadn't seen in a while came back this week, so thats one nice thing.

Wish me luck, I think I might actually step on a scale at work, provided its not like last night and I actually get a free minute.

::sigh:: time to finish getting dressed.  I hope he comes on, but lord help how do I fix things if he doesn't?

A wonderful start

Just the start I wanted to the new year, disappointing the one person I never wanted to hurt by speaking the truth in my journal.  Even when it is favorable to him, it isn't enough because I try to speak plainly and honestly.  Leave it to me I guess.  It will more than likely be some time before my next entry despite his promise that he will not read it because it is not geared for him to read, it is geared for everyone or no one to read.  Might I note that never, given our situation has he specifically made mention of me, but I do not gripe and moan.  And for him to turn around and say some of the very few things he said on the topic bothers me greatly.

Perhaps the cabin and the manifesto are not so far away after all...