Ache

I wish I could just make him go away sometimes.  I mean its interesting that as much as he aggrivates me, pisses me off, I can't seem to cut myself off from him.  I was able to do it with John after three and a half years, but then again most of that was hell.  And he has this innate ability to hurt me with just a word.  A sound.  Its funny.  I complain about Bill talking about his friend obsessively, and yet at the same time, I realize that all I talk about is him, on the plus side at least I admit my obsession... well I guess obsession is the best word for it.

He gets so mad when someone shows an interest in me, and at the same time I am not supposed to hurt when he talks about his others, and what he does for them because he loves them.  I am the bad one when I won't talk about how he cuts me to the quick... and I know its because he feeds from the pain.  That has to be what it is.  He loves the fact that he's been right about every asshole in my life, and doesn't acknowledge that he hurts me worse.  God I need another topic.

He asks me how I feel for him and I tell him, and not only did I not get the comforting lie I got a slap in the face, and a "at least we know where we stand".  I can still feel the sting of it.

LOL where is my Tyler Durden... psychotic, strange, intense, powerful, passionate...

My Spike, the dark poet, with intensity, power, strength...

Someone to make me feel safe and to hurt me at the same time.  To know that his protection is all I would need.  That under his watch I would and could do anything...

::sighs:: Issues?  No, I have volumes.