Sleepy Solitude

Well, another day, another .50 after taxes.  Ha ha.  I am in a strange mood today... and a good deal of it, oddly enough, and as always focuses on him.  I hate the fact that I can never say the right thing, I think I am going by what he wants and then he changes, or as he puts it I misconstrue what he meant.  I ache when he is around me, I ache when he isn't.

I hate how he knows me, better than I know myself sometimes, I hate how I want to be his, how I want him... How easy it would be... then again it wouldn't be easy nothing is ever easy with him.  I hate that I care so much what he thinks, that he can cut me down cold with a word, a displeased grunt at times.  I know I let him have this power over me, and I know he feeds from it, and yet I can't bring myself to stop him, to break away completely.  I think in the long run he wouldn't really care. He has more than enough to keep him busy.  God I need a new topic.

Opportunities are presenting themselves in my life, while I know they may not be great and I know I am not the wisest person when it comes to the choices that are coming my way, when faced with similar ones I tend to take the wrong path, thinking emotionally rather than logically... well maybe emotion is too strong of a word... However, this is where he puts the challenge to me the most.  If I am to follow one of these other paths then he will no longer associate with me, or things will change with us, and while thats probably for the best, I just can't bring myself to do it.  My misplaced sense of loyalty... usually to the most hurtful ones to me.

And yet, under his guidance I have been able to open up about things that I never thought I would.  I do feel some degree of indebtedness to him, and some misplaced emotion, affection, love that doesn't do me any good, and probably doesn't do him any good either.

Someone who commented on my journal is now analyzing me, and telling me about me, and what he might do, could do.  And in the back of my mind I am on guard for two reasons.  One I don't want to displease him, and two I know that anyone at any time could be him.  On that note, I leave for bed.