He and I had a really long conversation today... about letting go of the things that hurt me... letting go of the past because moving was supposed to change that... was supposed to "realign my perspective" blah blah... It was a great conversation until he started asking me who were the people in my life that hurt me... What it came down to was the one that was still hurting me (emotionally) the most was me... I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that HE is the only other person who hurts me as much as I do... which is not to say I wouldn't let him "hurt" me in other ways if he were so inclined, but thats another deal entirely. Then that got me thinking... Is he hurting me or is my relationship with him just another way for me to be self destructive... I know I will never be "his girl" God knows if I was we'd probably wind up killing each other. That I have relatively no doubt on.
Hmm... Jack just signed on and signed off... I think I annoyed him the other day. I hope not too much. I will admit, it felt really good having someone interested in me... Someone who doesn't know me, or much about me, who isn't involved off of some strange tug of war emotional crap...
Would I like to be his girl... truthfully... well thats an interesting question. I don't know in all honesty if I would trust him. He's always got someone... His girls, and according to him there is always another one in line. And I am not saying that I would be more for him than them, I am not saying that at all, but they all have other difficulties in their lives... other issues. My other issues are 1200 miles away. I have that bizzarre sense of loyalty issue, mostly to the people that hurt me the most. Pain = love, right? Lessons learned at a young age... never to be forgotten. Hence the need to realign my perspective.
I let him hurt me... I let him have the power to hurt me. I get all that. Its not great, its not fair, but if I didn't let him, didn't set myself up for it he wouldn't be able to do it.. Got it. Does that mean though that I have to break ties with him the way that I did with John? He confuses me, no one lifts me up, is my biggest cheerleader the way he is,and at the same time can cut me into shreds the way he does, with the tone of his voice... or what I imagine would be a look...
At least John while unstable was ... well it was John. I knew how to take him. I knew it was a bad relationship, It was raw a lot of times between my emotions and his drug use and as he referred to it, his Mistress (the car, but really any car) I could never compete between that and the drugs, oh and Allison. Lets not forget Allison, the woman he cheated on his wife with... and Andrea his ex wife that he couldn't let go of...
And then there was my biggest betrayal, Scott. Scott was a lot of things to me though. He was what I thought I needed emotionally, physically, and mentally. For a week last year I was ... not happy. Thats not quite the word for it... but it was an interesting feeling, and I didn't care who got hurt by that. It was the aftermath that was devastating... And it was him that lifted me from it. which is where my devotion now stems from, that andthe number of times he has lifted me since then.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
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