"Nothing"

As long as I have known him its been like this... I don't know why I let him get under my skin so much, why I can't bear to let him leave.  The three months we didn't talk were so quiet, peaceful, and empty.  I missed him, but at the same time every time I talked to him it was such an experiment in aggrivation that it nearly wasn't worth it... and yet I can't let go either.  I know I'll never have him, and I know I am not good at the long distance thing... I have never really been good at the long distance thing, and I'm not moving, not for a long time.  I am finally getting into a good place in my life, I think, aside from the fact that I am still so insular.  Terrified really, of exposing myself again, being hurt again.  The physical pain isn't bad.  I don't mind that, hell I enjoy a hearty amount of that... at least what I have experienced so far, and would like to expand on that eventually, but getting the nerve to meet people is the killer.  I have always been painfully shy, except online, where no one can see my face.  I like it that way... and when I do meet people they are without a doubt the wrong person... Maybe thats why things would never work, I just don't want him to be like the rest of the people I know...

God, how pathetic, its all about him right now, it shouldn't be, but when he is good there is no one better, he can make me feel better than most people... than anyone.  I have confessed things to him, that I didn't think I would ever even say, and yet when he feels like being bitchy... he cuts, deeply.  I don't think he knows how much, then again he might.  Thats why he keeps striking old wounds, to keep them raw.  That may be an unfair statement, I am just rambling.  Sometimes I think that working overnight is just getting to me a little too much.  Right now he is angry at me again I think, although with him its hard to tell, usually he says he is "disappointed" or hurt which is much worse I think... I hate to think I've hurt him, or bothered him.  He'll ask me whats wrong, or whats on my mind, and time and time again I will tell him Nothing.  It drives him up a wall.  Its not that I'm trying to, or that I mean to lie to him as he said it.  I just... I've been pushing people away for so long I don't know how not to.  I know I shouldn't be pushing him away... he has been there for me like no one else I know... at the same time I feel like I have to to try to keep myself protected, to keep myself from hurting any more than I have to.

He tries so hard to get me to open up, to be a better me, a healthier (mentally) me.  He forces me out of my comfort zone as far as talking about things, and is so sweet, and tender at times, so supportive that I feel safe enough to talk about things that I never thought I would say.  And I keep giving him "nothing" I can see how that could be frustrating maybe.  Its an obvious front.  And when he calls me on it it bothers me, like who is he to question what I mean by it, if there is a deeper meaning behind it.   Mind you sometimes nothing is just random thoughts, too many running in my head to pinpoint, or thoughts that are so uncomfortable ... For hours one day my nothing was the dirt hill in my neighbors back yard, and what went on in the ditch behind it.  Things I've never admitted out loud to another soul.  And theres more, that I didn't tell him because I couldn't verbalize it.

When something bad happens he is the first person I want to talk to , when something good happens he is the first person I want to tell.

It sounds stupid but I feel kind of like Spike chasing Buffy, watching her go through her other relationships, and when she finally tells him she loves him back his response is something like "No you don't but thanks for saying so"  Well that kind of sums up how I feel when he tells me, but god sometimes its so good to hear, and to pretend.  He makes me feel so much, so much more than any of the other people in my life have, with the exception of the moron over the summer, but that was for different reasons, With the one over the summer it was disgust, self loathing, hatred I felt at least when it was all over.  From this one I get the full range of emotions, usually in the course of one conversation.

I know I have to move on, I know this isn't healthy.  I know I need a life of my own, and I need to get out and meet people. I need to take the opportunities that are presented to me, if they are presented, but he really doesn't understand the way I think.  He tries, I thinkbut as much as I can't wrap my head around some of the things in his life, he really doesn't understand some of the things in mine.

I didn't get much sleep yesterday so I need to go now, theres nothing like being on the verge of "falling out" at work... Hey at least its a hospital