New Beginnings?

I am in a damn fine mood today. Isn't that nice to hear for a change.  I have  a damn fine cup of coffee (Holy Twin Peaks reference Batman!)  and have come to some stunning realizations in my life.  Of course there is more to it than that. 

As big of an asshole as he is the guy I've been fixated on is safe for me.  I kind of know my way around him, it frustrating, and its work, but its still easier than getting to know a stranger.  There is a comfort in knowing that I will never really know him, that I will never really have that kind of relationship with him.  I do not have the best track record with relationships.  This week he and I went through a crapload of drama... he gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" speech and I realized that... I've been giving him the lipservice, telling him that I loved him, but thats what it was... its like with John when I am tempted to call him again.  I love those 5 minutes a day when everything is quiet and good and happy and I feel loved.  Well the rest of the shit is just not worth it!  Then when I am ok with it he starts right up with "which is not to say things couldn't change" But they won't.  He missed his window of opportunity.  I have too much going on to waste it on someone who is going to be like the people I've been with in the past.

Now that being said, and I think this has a lot to do with it.  I've gotten some heavy attention this week due to this journal and how open I am about myself.  Which works for me, because other than the occasional rp I am not comfortable with not being myself, and maybe by being open I can assure that I will meet people who will feel they can be open with me.  So far it seems that I have.  That has been an enormous ego boost.  I am not going to go into names... protecting the innocent (or the guilty).

I am not looking for a new relationship, however, I did talk to someone last night, at length who I thoroughly enjoyed.  It was so wonderful to talk to someone who could be as serious and as silly as I am who was smart and funny and did have a certain sense of propriety.. things he should and shouldn't say, ways to act.  Refreshing to meet someone with manners!  And you got to love anyone you go from being intense and serious with to quoting Monty Python. :)  Mind you, I did call him last night, but I am determined if this is to continue I am not going to be the only one calling.  I am not going to pursue this without being pursued in return dangit.  I am not looking for anything lasting at the moment... its just a sweet relief from everything that I've put myself through, and I make no mistake about that.  I know I've done all the rest of the stuff to myself.

Last night was interesting too, I saw my cousin's husband's brother, who I had gone out on a date probably about 9 years ago, the last time I lived down here.  He's engaged now, I met his fiancee.  I don't know that either one of them wants toget married.  She is just so unmoved by it.  Didn't even show any affection to him until she saw me and him make long eye contact a couple of times.  Of course it wasn't long after that either that she made him go home.  Not that I would go there, he's engaged.  I would not violate that!

Alright... I think I'm done for now.  I'll be back, I'm sure.